Really didnt want to write such depressing entry but i guess sometimes the encourager needs to be encouraged too. I really can't cope with my own feelings. cant cope at all and there's no other avenue but here. for my own ranting. I am really fine. but i have no idea too why i keep lapsing into brittle moments like this every now and then.
I really have no desire to camp at all. I really dread the thought of me being in camp tomorrow when the letter may just arrive any time. tomorrow? or sat? As much as i dread seeing my dad's disappointed face, I would rather be around with him when he sees it and accept reality together. Live concert from my mom. Rather than me being away and my parents can't even take their disappointment out on me.
As much as i have given this much thought and have alternative plans mapped out. I still can't cope. I really can't see myself working for the next half a year while my peers are all leading a carefree campus life. i really really am desperate to mug. It is really so difficult to accept. I can't help but keep questioning why why why? Why is it that BBD is sufficient? BBE is jus one grade away? One grade makes all the difference in the world. A fairy tale ending versus a horrid nightmare. Den the whys evolves into more whys. Why can't i jus get a single A? why cant i get A for either bio or econs which i mugged so hard for? Why? Why can't i get PSA? Why am i just so stupid? Why are there ppl with poorer grades granted a place? Why just not me? it's so frustrating!!!
But then again I cooled. No point. No point questioning all these. Girl have more faith. Things may happen that are beyond your understanding, but trust Him that he knows. He weeps as i am weeping. Every pain i am feeling He feels it too. Therefore trails are never placed in life for fun. It hurts so much cos it has a great purpose.
It is really so scary... I decided to appeal. Though i know this glimmer of hope is but an instant. Just like a flicker of the candle flame. Gone in a flash with the wind.
I really wanna go overseas to study. I really yearn to go to a proper university to get a good degree. I don't want to be scarred for life by this. But parental issues and money costraints are making it so difficult. In the end, i can only watch as the deadline for july intake approaches. Dad thinks it is fine to wait for the feb intake to give it more time to think. But daddy, i only have now dad. I'm already 19. Life is short. Youth is even shorter. I only have now to give of my best. My prime time is now. How long more do i have to wait? I can't imagine working for 6 months... work and watch all my friends attending schools and out of sync with my life.
i never knew i love studying so much man. surprising how much u treasure somethg when it is taken away from you. Not studying for a degree. not for a sake of future. But really studying cos i yearn for a campus life. because i yearn to hit e books... to have a goal to work towards. Not aimless everyday chore to bring in the money.
And rovering is also slowly losing its appeal. Yeah i am burnt. I don't see any value anymore. Something which i was passionate about suddenly had lost its charm. I don't even know what i am doing now. I am helping out my juniors. But i am not gettin any sense of satisfaction or happiness. It brings me nothing but additional stress and frustration. And right now i have no energy left to focus on other things. I desire nothing else and i don't wanna bother about anything else. It's sad to realise too that I have been wasting alot of time. Of late did i realise that my leader had been wasting my time. Endless meetings that proved to be redundant on hindsight. Projects after projects of effort, sweat and toil amounts to nothing. In this darkest hour, what help had i received? What returns have i gotten?
Ogre once a knight in shiny armour is nothing but ogre. Assertive to the point of being insensitive and obnoxious. Void of concern and heart for others.
There's no one to be held responsible except myself for allowing my time to be robbed freely. No time for friends, no time for parents, no time for studies, no time for myself, and even no time for God. What have i done?? I must gain control of my own time. I'm tired. Perhaps it's time to retire. But for now, duty calls. Group camp it shall be. Another reason why i am tired. I don't even have time to lament.