In His agape love, we are to point out the mistakes of our friends, to encourage each other and affirm each other. To strengthen and edify each other. However, it is all important to note that all these are done out of His agape love and not due to our own self-righteousness.
Actions and words are often being twisted and misinterpretted. Though i know you said all you said out of love and not of self-righteousness but it is really very very easy for people (maybe just me) to misinterpret and think of it as just your self-righteous attempt. No? And just wanna tell u that i feel very awfully wrong by you. Stop tryin to guess my thoughts or interpret my words. you're not a lit major neither is my words a wonderful piece of work to analyse.
I guess i am a self-contradictory person in this sense. Just like all human beings, i detest the idea of people tryin to guess my thoughts, yet i also pin hopes on finding someone who truly knows me. A so-called soulmate? But of cos i realised long time ago that there's no such thing as a soul mate because my greatest friend and prince is my Lord and Saviour. The One that's with me 24/7, who knows my every thoughts, who comforts whatever emotion is stirring up in me. Actually i understand now why i detest others tryiin to interpret me. It's because most often than not, people just do such a bad job. In fact, things can even turn into pure accusation.
My friend, here's a little lesson on the opposite gender.
Lesson 1: We're highly emotional people. We feel more than we think at times. But that doesnt mean that we don't think. We're perceptive since we feel more than we think. And most often than not we picked up things that 'rational' men don't see. We feel every pain more intensely. Whether others or self. But that doesnt mean we stop at feeling. If so, i think all the women in the world would have killed themselves some point in time. Isnt it?
We feel and we move on. We're not as impractical as men thought. And lesson number 2: We tend to act differently from what we truly feel. Just like when we say we don't need a guy to send us home when actually we do hope to have him see us home safely. We like to hide behind a different facade. So don't try to interpret. Ok phrase wrongly, we have to try to understand each other, but it is important not to see what we think as what is real. I know you said you THINK it's like this. But do you act like you THINK or do you act like you're SURE?
Women love to rant. We need to rant. and a blog is an avenue to rant. It's precisely because we're geneticaly engineered to feel much more than men, that we need to rant. Not that we love to complain. But because our emotional capacity is so much greater, we cant keep things to ourselves or everyone would go and hang themselves very soon.
A blog is for ranting purposes. If i cant rant on my blog, then where else can i rant? Rant at IMH? too late right? since it is a channel to rant. will u expect to see lovely stuff written here? If life is all rosy, it is not called life. it's called paradise.
Like it or not, we all have to admit as we grow up that life is a bitch. A total bitch. There's no such thing called fairness. No perfect system of governanace. so what do we do? Suck thumb and fight on! We still do our best in every situation no matter how shitty it is. The fact that God is God and we're man shows that we can never do a good job of governing our lives. We need our Lord's help and grace to see us through each day. So isnt it right for me to say that life is a bitch? it is! if not we all can just turn our backs on Him.
And there's a distinction too between ranting about our environment and pushing the blame on our environment and just give up on life. GRRRRRRRR this is so frustrating. I just cant put my point across. Doesnt matter. I just hope that people would just listen and not try to interpret so quickly. Why do people insist on being 'smarter' than others and trying to read people's every move? Why cant people just listen intently. If we ever listen intently, we probably can paint a more accurate picture of the scenario.
Just felt so wronged. ranting about my environment and life, does it mean that i have yet to move on? I am. And i have been tryin to inch my way forward since March. Dealing with disappointment and neutralising my emotions to move on. But can you just understand that one can never force yourself to like something that you don't? Moving on is not an easy feat at all. Especially if it concerns the dream of your life. If it's so easy to move on, it means that it doesnt hold much value in your heart doesnt it? And slow progress doesnt mean no progress. Just feel so hurt and wronged that my little efforts is deemed neglible. Do you even know that such small steps requires a great deal of effort? In compartmentalising my emotions? We can move on, but we can never force ourselves to like something we don't. Ask yourself, can you force yourself to marry Mary when you know that you only love Lucy? If circumstances forces you to marry Mary, you can marry Mary and move on with life. But you cant deceive yourself that you only love Lucy. You can try to love Mary, try to move on with life, try to not think about it. But you will always know that you love Lucy.
At the end of the day, you realise, Lucy is your true love, you should not even marry Mary. Right now, this dream of my life is so near yet so far. I havent given up on it. Why should i give up with my dreams? And talk about me being the girl with lots of aspiration and zest. I havent changed contrary to what you think. I am still the same girl that's so fervent about her dream. Call me fixated, stubborn or what. But i am really not the sort to give up. If it's my dream i will pursue till the end. What's wrong with it? In what ways does it not fit the attributes that you have given to me? It clicks and is aligned with it.
holding on to my dream doesnt mean that i am stuck at square one crying for someone to change my diapers or to mop up my spilled milk. Hell no! Holding on to your dream is moving on! You're pressing on to realise it. Is it of any wrong? Environment is shitty, life is a bitch, why does ranting have to be equated to me pushing all the blame to my environment? If so, why don't i just end this screwed up life? It's because i know that I can still strive hard to make it better. it's because i know that the Almighty have promised me happy ending just like in Job. Even Job laments about life. But does it mean that he didnt move on? He still get by his everyday. He still laments. But he also know that God is good. it's because of these that we do not go bang our head against the wall this very moment, that life is worth its living. that we continue to have that spirit of excellence in life to deal with all that comes against us despite it not being what we wanted.
And so, my point is. There's nothing wrong with ranting. Ranting about life is necessary for good mental health. You cant rant coherently if you're already raving at IMH. Being not satisfied is also good in the sense that it spurs you on. Knowing that my school is inferior in its content has nothing wrong. It's a fact that expectations and standard set is lower. We have lesser tests and assignments on our way. It's a fact. My peers being all demoralised and unmotivated is also a fact. But the main point is, it's because we know all these, that all the more we know we should work hard. So what's wrong with putting yourself down every now and then? What's wrong with me having abit of a self esteem problem? What's wrong with me saying that i am the dumb asian girl. Because, actions are taken as i say all these.
I strive. I hold on to my dreams. I never say die. Although i think i am a dumb asian girl, it's not that i sit back and lament? I strive. When frenz say my essay suck, so be it and i will edit and edit and edit. I will write and write and write till i get there. So what's wrong with recognising that we're indeed poorer than others? It's a fact that i have difficulty churning our essay points on my own, in having my own thoughts and opinions with stuff i learn, in putting my thoughts into words, in making my essay flow and shine the way my friends could. In a way, it's an ego check too. What's wrong with it?
And it's so unfair to accuse that i take no actions. As i lament i strive. It's almost like a reflex reaction, doesnt it? When circumstances puts u down, all the more you strive. As a matter of fact, I am striving. How can anyone say that i do not do or that i could do even better? I'm already stretched out emotionally and mentally like crazy. Try any harder, i can very well just snap. Strive harder? It's just so unfair my brother. I have been mugging since the first day of uni. When everyone is still playing which many of my friends in school are still doing, I am already muggin. Precisely because i know i am a dumb asian girl, all the more i have to MUG hard. In fact, to exchange for more time to mug, I already cut down on all sorts of activities. Am i as on about scouts as b4? No... i pass on all the stuff to others and i do not even take up any stuff unless it's my obligation. In my sch, i dont even go for any activities. Even with my peeps in sch, all the og outings. I go with time in mind, going home earlier to mug and not hanging out longer with them. Saying that i don't strive is such a huge insult and hurt to me after how much i have sacrificed. Why doesnt people get it? Even my dad that's a tad closer to understanding me, also fail in this aspect.
What am i left with if i should ditch all my emotions and just channel all my energy to muggin? What am i left with if i do not even allow myself to unwind and do some other stuff? Is lamenting that much of a waste in energy? In my eyes, lamenting goes hand in hand with forward actions. As u lament, all the more u strive to get out of the situation. Doesnt lamenting in this sense help you to channel your energy to striving? Instead of a distraction, it is a focusing source of energy at striving. Only when you see the flaw, can there be improvement. To ditch your emotions and move on is just crazy. We're human. I'm not a mugging machine.
I am all talk and no actions to you, that i don't take actions to realising my dream? Whether it is path A or B, it's still the same actions. MUG. only way out. MUG. Strive for that spirit of excellence.
So really. although i know that you said all that you said out of love, i guess sometimes we end up making the person feel more awful.
Remind me of the incidence on wednesday. Was having lunch with my frenz at Ngee Ann Poly after class. My friend, A, started this dreadful topic of whether am i gg to reapply next yr. And so i said of cos. she wanted too as well but had given up on hopes just like many of my friends. As usual, i gave my lil encouraging talk to spur her on just like how i spur the others. She did get spurred on to try again. but at the same time, we both got abit emotional too. And another friend of ours,B, was hurt in the process as well. Turned out, my little encouragement to A had evoked much emotion in B as well. We are always so careless with our words. In being honest and direct in my analyse of the value of our degree, i had hurt B without realising. I guess, in the name of love, we had to be direct. But we have to see as well if the effect of what we wanted could be achieved. If not, we're just wasting our time
But all these being said, please don't worry. I still love you and value you as my brother who cares. Truly cares and always taking the initiative to help me keep myself in check.