Photobucket Photobucket Sparkles of Life: November 2007

Sparkles of Life

Friday, November 30, 2007


just some thoughts and feelings. quite heavy stuff but won't consider it as emo.

Have you ever wondered what people around you see u as? How do they rate or label you as? No matter how much we deny that we label our friends, that we see all as equal, is it really so? who are we tryin to deceive? it's just human nature to judge people and give people labels, if not explicitly done, subconsciously at least. And the way we label others will show in our actions.

Everyone changes. The way we think changes too. Lately, this feeling keeps creeping up to me that people do label me as inferior or more dumb than them? by the fact that i am not in the main stream education system just like them. or perhaps i am the one feeling inferior. But every move, that faint smile, that 'oh.. oh, ...', that gaze, perhaps i read too much. But it cant be helped. people r just liddat. in fact we seem to marginalise ourselves even more than society does. we are so much harsher on ourselves than the world is. of cos the world is cruel and ugly but i guess we're even more unforgiving of ourselves.

like how the residents in this particular estate in hong kong respond to their label of being poor. these residents, not only live far from the rich urban dwellers, they also isolate themselves in their own apartments and avoid interaction among themselves cos they feel so marginalised and ashame. end result? social alienation and lack of integration. and this leads to? a mother dumping her kids out of the window and jumping after as well.

But i don't really see others as smart? like really. i think some peeps in unis r just pure idiots. but why? why do i get the vibes that i am suffering from some self esteem problem? and is it true? my vibes that my peers are changing and have perhaps subconsciously re-labelled me as well? putting my abilities at a lower level now than before. because, they have been through more now? because they're the main stream people, tortured by a rigourous academic demand and therefore i cant relate to their 'sufferings'? and i am now reduced to an idealistic ignorant girl? and i am truly blessed to have escape all the shit? it feels really condescending. then again perhaps i read too much. i rather it so. cos if not it will hurt i think.

A friend felt that we drifted. But i think i feel ever more lonely at times than the rest? Whenever i get the vibes that people are acting in a condescending manner, i feel alienated from my social circle. Have they changed? or perhaps its just me turning more pessimistic? and there are times whereby i just don't feel like doing anything about it? i get the feel that everyone is happily in their own world. so what's the point in wanting to catch up and all if you guys are happy with being in your own world? I want to meet up for the sake of catching up and not meeting for the sake of meeting. Just to have that old familiar feeling of me by your side? no...i don't appreciate that. what's the point of a gathering if there people keep jumping into private topics that others not in your new mainstream system or your new social circle can relate to? Sometimes, i feel like i am indeed left behind by friends. therefore, talk about loneliness, i think i can say that i feel much more of it.

And i really don't feel like doing anything about it. somehow it is like this big parcel that God had given to me. All these negativity is part of this big parcel of challenge presented to me. This gift that i have no choice but to receive. But of cos God knows what He is doing. Have you wonder if God could perhaps love you less? haha it's such a big present to receive. i have no confidence that i can fully savour the wonders of this gift. That's why i love evans almighty. this scene where evans question God if He could just love Him less, perhaps he will be free of the troubles he is given. haha.

time flies really. it's already dec. As 2008 approaches, i am excited and also afraid at the same time. excited cos i hope for a better turn of events, afraid cos i really fear having to feel rejection all over again. And so i end up day dreaming some time if only time could just stop.

okie, enuf of rant. and please don't misunderstand. all these are random thoughts i have since some time ago. never got to pen them down. don't how to piece them together as well. till just now in the shower. so yeah. it's not like i moan and groan all day long. perhaps only my emo friend can get what i mean. haha! we feel the exact same thing aye! ^5

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

How to deal with emo monster

when emo monster comes...

1) Turn to God
And dun just rumble. When you cant articulate your feelings, don't bother cos He already knows. remember to pause to listen. not with your ears but your heart.

still cant hear anythg? then start thinking from His perspective. what would jesus do? haha

2) Watch youtube!!!
stuff you can watch:
- elmo with andrea bocelli singing 'time to say good night'
- pavarotti performances. haha watch nessun dorma
- watch les miserables and cry along
- watch really lame mastercards adverts
- watch crazy japanese pranks

3) shopping therapy
- grab someone or even just go on your own. go and shop!!!!
- grab yourself nice pretty tops, shoes, and just try them for fun even if you have no money to buy
- pamper yourself w new stuff, or treats if you have the cash

4) Blog
- very very effective. talk to yourself therapy

So friends, when emo monster comes try this 4 steps. haha they work k! from my emo experiences. Was feeling down again lately. so zhun, my fren oso down. haha. all my emo frenz jia you!

oh i used step 3 today haha. grabbed my dad to retail therapy. haha. daddy is so sweet lah. bought curling iron and curling spray!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007


The lil celebration for the two weis on tuesday went pretty well, though i had hoped to make the bdae gal and boy more happy. I guess they are happy but haha i was hoping for a bigger reaction. It's quite a feat to con two bdae people afterall. Making sure that they have no idea that we're gonna celebrate their bdaes and making sure that the gal doesnt bump into anyone there since she was told that it's a gals' nite out with just the few of us.

Anyway the food is really awesome. But personally I find that the place is more suited for small group of people chilling out afterall. Not the rah-rah sort. Had an great time chilling out with Liz on sunday when we went to reccee the place. Anyway invited more people actually but due to a sucky date (exam period) and NS commitments, they couldnt turn up.

So here's the picture.

Sorry no collage. Not really in the mood to do collages. Feeling really sleep deprived these few days. Since last week when i had to chiong my assignments out and deal with a perpetually flooded inbox. Argh. Cant wait to see the end of it. Realised that i really enjoy mugging more than doing other stuff. Haha this is like the reverse of my jc days, when i was a full time scout and part time student. Was talkin to my friend in lecture today (during the BREAK, in case there's gonna be anyone who will mistaken that i do not pay attention in class haha), about how foolish we were last time. She's a full time guide and i'm a full time scout. And so we had walked the exact same path to doom. Sigh. So yes. Time to make things right. And yeah i am glad to find that i really enjoy muggin more than anything else.

Though assignments can drive u nuts, deprive u of sleep, I think i still crave for more. Like really. I want more assignments. More tests. And some projects too. No i am not insane. I'm just deprived. Hahaha. Yeah so i am craving for more of the things most of u people dread. Though it does get abit stressful but i feel that i need more. haha. SCHOOL matters that is. I still dread having to clear my inbox of flood and replying emails and arrowing people to get things done, and compartmentalizing my emotions to remain more or less clear headed.

FASTER be over!! then i can mug in peace again. And i really hope i can go for the UN humanitarian affairs conference in Bangkok!!!!! Sigh. Been checking the air tix these few days, and it just make me more n more dejected. Is there any way for any sponsorship???? It's such a pity to not be able to go due to a tight budget. Guess God is teaching me the lesson on the importance of money again. Money is really important to live on this earth man. Without it, we can really just forget about alot of things. No money to go overseas for college, suck thumb and go SIM. And lucky still have sufficient for this blood sucking Singapore Institute of Management, if not really can LLST.

And it's true in every sense when i say my school is a blood sucker:
registration to SIM: 4000 ++
registration to UOL (LSE): £480 ++
exams fees (cannt even rmb...): £48
SIM membership renewal fees: 32 bucks
And next year... for my revision workshops. Lectures will all end quite early before the start of the actual exams. Instead we will have lecturers from LSE to conduct workshops. And you have to pay for EVERY workshop u attend. How brilliant :)

whatever. And yes. another ranting post. But i don't care? haha blog is to rant. Ranting is good. Don't rant you will just burst and spill your guts out one day. Peeps out there, don't like don't read.

By the way, the top scorer for PSLE is really hella smart! 294. my goodness. will As next year be liddat too? :S

please don't...

Monday, November 19, 2007


life is short. live it to its fulllest. cos we never know what will happpen next.

love like u have never love before. Love and treasure everyone.

live everyday like its ur last. :)

Friday, November 16, 2007


In His agape love, we are to point out the mistakes of our friends, to encourage each other and affirm each other. To strengthen and edify each other. However, it is all important to note that all these are done out of His agape love and not due to our own self-righteousness.

Actions and words are often being twisted and misinterpretted. Though i know you said all you said out of love and not of self-righteousness but it is really very very easy for people (maybe just me) to misinterpret and think of it as just your self-righteous attempt. No? And just wanna tell u that i feel very awfully wrong by you. Stop tryin to guess my thoughts or interpret my words. you're not a lit major neither is my words a wonderful piece of work to analyse.

I guess i am a self-contradictory person in this sense. Just like all human beings, i detest the idea of people tryin to guess my thoughts, yet i also pin hopes on finding someone who truly knows me. A so-called soulmate? But of cos i realised long time ago that there's no such thing as a soul mate because my greatest friend and prince is my Lord and Saviour. The One that's with me 24/7, who knows my every thoughts, who comforts whatever emotion is stirring up in me. Actually i understand now why i detest others tryiin to interpret me. It's because most often than not, people just do such a bad job. In fact, things can even turn into pure accusation.

My friend, here's a little lesson on the opposite gender.

The Women
Lesson 1: We're highly emotional people. We feel more than we think at times. But that doesnt mean that we don't think. We're perceptive since we feel more than we think. And most often than not we picked up things that 'rational' men don't see. We feel every pain more intensely. Whether others or self. But that doesnt mean we stop at feeling. If so, i think all the women in the world would have killed themselves some point in time. Isnt it?

We feel and we move on. We're not as impractical as men thought. And lesson number 2: We tend to act differently from what we truly feel. Just like when we say we don't need a guy to send us home when actually we do hope to have him see us home safely. We like to hide behind a different facade. So don't try to interpret. Ok phrase wrongly, we have to try to understand each other, but it is important not to see what we think as what is real. I know you said you THINK it's like this. But do you act like you THINK or do you act like you're SURE?

Women love to rant. We need to rant. and a blog is an avenue to rant. It's precisely because we're geneticaly engineered to feel much more than men, that we need to rant. Not that we love to complain. But because our emotional capacity is so much greater, we cant keep things to ourselves or everyone would go and hang themselves very soon.

A blog is for ranting purposes. If i cant rant on my blog, then where else can i rant? Rant at IMH? too late right? since it is a channel to rant. will u expect to see lovely stuff written here? If life is all rosy, it is not called life. it's called paradise.

Like it or not, we all have to admit as we grow up that life is a bitch. A total bitch. There's no such thing called fairness. No perfect system of governanace. so what do we do? Suck thumb and fight on! We still do our best in every situation no matter how shitty it is. The fact that God is God and we're man shows that we can never do a good job of governing our lives. We need our Lord's help and grace to see us through each day. So isnt it right for me to say that life is a bitch? it is! if not we all can just turn our backs on Him.

And there's a distinction too between ranting about our environment and pushing the blame on our environment and just give up on life. GRRRRRRRR this is so frustrating. I just cant put my point across. Doesnt matter. I just hope that people would just listen and not try to interpret so quickly. Why do people insist on being 'smarter' than others and trying to read people's every move? Why cant people just listen intently. If we ever listen intently, we probably can paint a more accurate picture of the scenario.

Just felt so wronged. ranting about my environment and life, does it mean that i have yet to move on? I am. And i have been tryin to inch my way forward since March. Dealing with disappointment and neutralising my emotions to move on. But can you just understand that one can never force yourself to like something that you don't? Moving on is not an easy feat at all. Especially if it concerns the dream of your life. If it's so easy to move on, it means that it doesnt hold much value in your heart doesnt it? And slow progress doesnt mean no progress. Just feel so hurt and wronged that my little efforts is deemed neglible. Do you even know that such small steps requires a great deal of effort? In compartmentalising my emotions? We can move on, but we can never force ourselves to like something we don't. Ask yourself, can you force yourself to marry Mary when you know that you only love Lucy? If circumstances forces you to marry Mary, you can marry Mary and move on with life. But you cant deceive yourself that you only love Lucy. You can try to love Mary, try to move on with life, try to not think about it. But you will always know that you love Lucy.

At the end of the day, you realise, Lucy is your true love, you should not even marry Mary. Right now, this dream of my life is so near yet so far. I havent given up on it. Why should i give up with my dreams? And talk about me being the girl with lots of aspiration and zest. I havent changed contrary to what you think. I am still the same girl that's so fervent about her dream. Call me fixated, stubborn or what. But i am really not the sort to give up. If it's my dream i will pursue till the end. What's wrong with it? In what ways does it not fit the attributes that you have given to me? It clicks and is aligned with it.

holding on to my dream doesnt mean that i am stuck at square one crying for someone to change my diapers or to mop up my spilled milk. Hell no! Holding on to your dream is moving on! You're pressing on to realise it. Is it of any wrong? Environment is shitty, life is a bitch, why does ranting have to be equated to me pushing all the blame to my environment? If so, why don't i just end this screwed up life? It's because i know that I can still strive hard to make it better. it's because i know that the Almighty have promised me happy ending just like in Job. Even Job laments about life. But does it mean that he didnt move on? He still get by his everyday. He still laments. But he also know that God is good. it's because of these that we do not go bang our head against the wall this very moment, that life is worth its living. that we continue to have that spirit of excellence in life to deal with all that comes against us despite it not being what we wanted.

And so, my point is. There's nothing wrong with ranting. Ranting about life is necessary for good mental health. You cant rant coherently if you're already raving at IMH. Being not satisfied is also good in the sense that it spurs you on. Knowing that my school is inferior in its content has nothing wrong. It's a fact that expectations and standard set is lower. We have lesser tests and assignments on our way. It's a fact. My peers being all demoralised and unmotivated is also a fact. But the main point is, it's because we know all these, that all the more we know we should work hard. So what's wrong with putting yourself down every now and then? What's wrong with me having abit of a self esteem problem? What's wrong with me saying that i am the dumb asian girl. Because, actions are taken as i say all these.

I strive. I hold on to my dreams. I never say die. Although i think i am a dumb asian girl, it's not that i sit back and lament? I strive. When frenz say my essay suck, so be it and i will edit and edit and edit. I will write and write and write till i get there. So what's wrong with recognising that we're indeed poorer than others? It's a fact that i have difficulty churning our essay points on my own, in having my own thoughts and opinions with stuff i learn, in putting my thoughts into words, in making my essay flow and shine the way my friends could. In a way, it's an ego check too. What's wrong with it?

And it's so unfair to accuse that i take no actions. As i lament i strive. It's almost like a reflex reaction, doesnt it? When circumstances puts u down, all the more you strive. As a matter of fact, I am striving. How can anyone say that i do not do or that i could do even better? I'm already stretched out emotionally and mentally like crazy. Try any harder, i can very well just snap. Strive harder? It's just so unfair my brother. I have been mugging since the first day of uni. When everyone is still playing which many of my friends in school are still doing, I am already muggin. Precisely because i know i am a dumb asian girl, all the more i have to MUG hard. In fact, to exchange for more time to mug, I already cut down on all sorts of activities. Am i as on about scouts as b4? No... i pass on all the stuff to others and i do not even take up any stuff unless it's my obligation. In my sch, i dont even go for any activities. Even with my peeps in sch, all the og outings. I go with time in mind, going home earlier to mug and not hanging out longer with them. Saying that i don't strive is such a huge insult and hurt to me after how much i have sacrificed. Why doesnt people get it? Even my dad that's a tad closer to understanding me, also fail in this aspect.

What am i left with if i should ditch all my emotions and just channel all my energy to muggin? What am i left with if i do not even allow myself to unwind and do some other stuff? Is lamenting that much of a waste in energy? In my eyes, lamenting goes hand in hand with forward actions. As u lament, all the more u strive to get out of the situation. Doesnt lamenting in this sense help you to channel your energy to striving? Instead of a distraction, it is a focusing source of energy at striving. Only when you see the flaw, can there be improvement. To ditch your emotions and move on is just crazy. We're human. I'm not a mugging machine.

I am all talk and no actions to you, that i don't take actions to realising my dream? Whether it is path A or B, it's still the same actions. MUG. only way out. MUG. Strive for that spirit of excellence.

So really. although i know that you said all that you said out of love, i guess sometimes we end up making the person feel more awful.

Remind me of the incidence on wednesday. Was having lunch with my frenz at Ngee Ann Poly after class. My friend, A, started this dreadful topic of whether am i gg to reapply next yr. And so i said of cos. she wanted too as well but had given up on hopes just like many of my friends. As usual, i gave my lil encouraging talk to spur her on just like how i spur the others. She did get spurred on to try again. but at the same time, we both got abit emotional too. And another friend of ours,B, was hurt in the process as well. Turned out, my little encouragement to A had evoked much emotion in B as well. We are always so careless with our words. In being honest and direct in my analyse of the value of our degree, i had hurt B without realising. I guess, in the name of love, we had to be direct. But we have to see as well if the effect of what we wanted could be achieved. If not, we're just wasting our time

But all these being said, please don't worry. I still love you and value you as my brother who cares. Truly cares and always taking the initiative to help me keep myself in check.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007







笨 imac 没有 中文 shu xie. ARGH. cant stand cutting n pasting the words. really heart this song. it's very jay chou in his earlier days. really really pure and simple, not too complex but bursting with sincerity. Gives you a feel that the song is written to share a story, to convey some emotions. Not those written for the sake of commercial purposes.

yes haha havent listen to chinese songs for really some time. hvnt been in touch w chinese for some time. Miss my cheena days. haha. miss writing really deep stuff in chinese. The beauty of the language that can paint a really vivid picture conveying tonnes of implicit meanings with just a few words. Expessing my innermost thoughts and emotions in subtle ways. haha shall write a chinese poem again some day. when i am not using mac. :S

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Singaporean Men, Uni Girls and a dumb asian girl

Ok this is gonna be one of those no direction kind of ranting

Singaporean Men
Men that try to squeeze past you to get into the mrt. That calls out to his wife like he's calling a dog, to push the damn pram of their lil darling over my toes as they squirm their way into the mrt when the other commuters are still spilling out the train.

Men climb so close to you when you are going up the double decker bus wearing a skirt. Close and at the exact correct height of their heads just below your skirt.

Men who saw you allowing an old woman get up the bus first, and decided to make use of that gap you had left for the old lady to cut in front of you and get up the bus BEFORE the old woman.

Men who squeeze their way through 2 ladies to get to that one and only empty seat in the entire bus. beating every ladies who are left standing in the bus.

Uni Girls
Girls who love to get emo over their assignments when it's their own fault that they left it till the last last last few seconds.

Girls who are not available to do any other shit apart from their school projects and assignments due to their SCHOOL

Girls who are busy till they cant sleep cant eat cant go toilet. cant do shit

Girls who love to moan and groan over the fact that they are in uni suffering as though uni is a torture they never desired

Girls who are full of irony and contradictions.

The dumb Asian Girl
The girl who cant answer the questions posed during her lecture.

The girl who get impressed easily by her peers' brilliant answers because she cant generate shit.

The girl who cant do her assignment without aid.

The girl who had difficulty in scoring for ALL her subjects. Cant do essays, Cant maths. Cant do econs. Cant do stats.

The girl who barely smell a 2nd lower

The girl whose only talent is to screw up in her studies.

The girl who prays for wisdom from her Gracious Lord.

The girl who got so touched by a simple line from a friend '... but i am proud of who you are.' , that it always resound in her head whenever she got caught in the dumb asian girl mode.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Little blissful days

this is not an emo post. YAY!

these 3 days had been really quite joyful and happy overall and i am glad.

Friday 2/11/07
I finally checked out timbre. After hearing so much frm frenz, ppl, radio, all the whoohah about the place, my curiosity was finally satisfied. The pub was really DIFFERENT frm wat i had envisioned it to be. I kept having wala wala in my mind when i heard about timbre haha. But i was wrong. It's an open air concept. with walls setting the boudary of the pub. N the ambience is pretty good i must say. trees growing at the sides of the walls. It makes u feel like you're chilling out at someone's backyard. haha. N the band yesterday was the timmy band. N though i found the lead a lil over-acting haha, he was GOOD.

But the night was cut short due to someone's leaky taps haha. No worries i don't mind heading home early haha cos i was pretty tired too. Had lecture in the morning and went out shopping w my og mates. how cool n happy. N yes i think i am really quite sucky. Drank abt 1 and 6/8 pint of erdinger... and i felt the need to focuse when i walk hahaha. shit.

N aye no.. i am nt alcoholic. I wanted just 1 pint... the other 6/8 is to help the leaky tap. muhahaha. :)

saturday 3/11/07
Nothing much happen. Went for cell. Ivan was sharing the word today and some parts kind of struck me. It's about undestanding that all our possession, all that we have are from God and should be used for God. And since all that we have, all that we are are from God then we should give off ourselves freely to people who need us and our posessions. Really amazing. Cos this is not just about money but everything. Our health, our life, our studies, our career, our future. Everything is His and not ours. So why worry about tomorrow? Of cos i am not saying we sit back relax and wait for things to happen. Of cos it is essential to do thing with a spirit of excellence for His glory, but leave all the worrying to Him! There's really no need in fretting about our tomorrow cos obviously we wouldn't know but He does.

It's really so amazing cos i felt once again that relief like another boulder has been put down. Everything is His. Our Lord gives and takes as He wish. He is sovereign and also compassionate and loving. My loving Father will never give me more than i can handle or take away more than i can handle. So relief and amazing cos i felt like i can breath again. Praise the Lord my saviour! Somehow, i feel that i got abit of the answer today to the question i held so long. haha My Loving Abba will not give me too much that i will be empowered by my own dark side, e evil dark forces haha, but He had also promise me that he will never take away more than i can cope.

So let'ss just live each day to its fullest. Doing our best and recognising that all that we have, all that we are are of Him and for His people, His church, Him.

Sunday 4/11/07
Really shag day. Went to church in the morning lunch and study with my cell group then headed back to church for baptism class. Some one in my group raised a question during group sharing time, how does God decide whose prayers to answer? She gave an example of a soccer match. Both teams prayed before the match but obviously one team has to lose, so how does God decide and doesnt God answer prayers? Haha the answer is God is all knowing and sometimes He needs to consider the big picture though He is also just as concern over our individual needs. And sometimes, failure doesnt mean that our prayers are not answered. It just mean that perhaps what we had prayed for isnt the best for us. He wanna build us up, or strengthen us through hard times. Or simply because something better is round the corner. God always answer. Just that it may be a yes, a no or a wait.

Anyway i went with Liz after class to chinatown to purchase some materials to make our handmade accessories for our soon-to-be (hopefully will succeed) online boutique. Really tired when i reached home but the sight of this (below) on my study table made my day. My cousin is really sweet! she got me candies for haloween from Japan. Awwww :)

And here's another foto frm chek jawa. Just got it from ker han. 3 of us up at the tower. yay

And dear all, please go watch this:
WATCH, or you'll regret haha. it blew my mind!!! ahhhh it gives me this really really sweet ultra blissful feeling. Hope it does the same to you guys :)

I want to learn:
1) French
2) Classical singing
3) Japanese
4) Tennis
5) Golf
Anyone wanna fund me? hahaa