days in hell

Skills need to be honed and instruments need to be sharpened before they can be of any use. And God our loving Father put us through trials to make us stronger people who can then be of greater use to work for His purposes.

God did not promise us a bed of roses and indeed rough patches are inevitable in life. These days had been nothing but hell to me. Exactly how hellish? It had been just nights after nights of tears and incessant worrying and fear. When prayers do not seem to be answered and your desire for something is so overwhelming that you can’t stop thinking about it, how are you to cope?

Everyday I await in vain for some form of response, for my prayers to be answered but no. Nothing. And when a response came in, it was nothing but an outright rejection. To make things worse, a mother who is totally not understanding or even sensitive to your feelings come into the picture. Yelling at you every morning when you are still far away in dreamland. Bless my heart, it is strong that I hadn’t die of any heart attack any of these mornings. Really regretting quitting my job, because life at home is really so hard thanks to my mother who keeps rubbing salt into my wound. And I really don’t want to let my parents catch me being all emotional over this either. Truly, everyday is just simply a day of hell. A day of anticipating in vain. A day of being ripped apart by fear. A day of emotional trauma.

The idea of not being able to continue my studies is really daunting and humbling. I have learnt through these days not to pin much hopes anymore. I’ve waited enough. At this point, I am no longer pinning much hope but just praying for strength to cope with what may be coming along.

However, God is ever so loving. He will never make us go through trials to have nothing to gain from it. I have realized and come to understand so much more things that I have failed to see before. I have never given the things around me as much thoughts as I had now.

I had grown so much within this short period of time. It is in times of troubles that we begin to see who how blessed we are. I am indeed very very blessed by my gracious Lord. Although everyday is nothing but hell to me these days, it is not so bitter as it would have been simply because I have really great friends who supported me. Truly I am blessed to have these people in my life. All my friends are so encouraging and had become a source of strength for me. Thanks so much. It is really comforting to know that there are people who are concern about me. Seniors and close friends are all praying hard for me. Even people who had backslided started praying again. God is good. I had never felt as blessed before in my life. And praise Him for making use of situations to bring people closer to Him. I have never been praying this intensely and clinging onto Him like a child who is so afraid. And I know many too would have come much closer to Him through their frequent prayers for me too. Praise Him!

Secondly, I also realised how much my dad loves me. I am truly thankful to have such a supporting father. It is very comforting and touching to know that my dad is utterly worried for me not because he was afraid that I am going to disappoint him or bring shame to the family but simply because he was so afraid of losing me. I never knew that he actually understood my feelings. But apparently he knew it better than anyone else. He knew that this may be too big a blow for me to handle.

I also came to realise that I should really not take money for granted. Many of my friends are all very well off, and going overseas is not much of a problem to them. And my daddy despite not having so much money is also more than willing to try and work something out for me so that I can still have a proper education. But for some there is simply no way out. Overseas can never be an option because the family simply can not provide for it. This is life. There will be smart people who can club the night before and still score all As and people who slaught their guts out but can only scrape through with mediocre results. There will be people who are so wealthy that they have all the options in the world and people who can not have much of a choice due to financial constraints. This is life.

A friend encouraged me with a bottle of candies filled with colours that aren’t exactly my favourite. He gave a note which says: ‘ The colours that we see in this little bottle may not be our favourite. Neither will the paths that we may have to take in life be ideal. Yet even though the colours may not be the most favoured, their taste may result in a tinge of sweetness including a few pleasant surprises, just like the candy in this bottle.’ I just felt so encouraged and so strengthened.

Another friend, a senior, told me God hears our cries and He weeps too when we weep. How sweet and comforting to know. I should cry lesser here on now.

There is a season for everything. A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecc 3:4). A season of hardship or rather a season of learning I would say. This is a season where I am taught to be humble and meek, and realised more things about life. Things that I often took for granted.

This had also been a season of faith and trust. What better way is there than trails to strengthen our faith in Him. When everything in life is smooth sailing, there is simply not much room for Him. What better testimony can we provide of His greatness than the time that He had tide us through our difficulties. When fear threatened to blow me up into splinters, He said, ‘Fear not for I am with you; Be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ (Isaiah 41:10). When my vision is clouded by my great desire and wish, He gently prompted, ‘Many are the plans in a man’s heart but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.’ (Proverbs 19:21). Blessed be His name truly.

Shared my thoughts during cell today and so coincidentally Ivan had the same things to share as well. We both felt that indeed this is what God wants to tell the both of us and I felt so blessed by his sharing. Praise God.