sad or happy?

Had a class gathering just now with my sec 4 classmates. Gosh time really FLIES and it so freaky cos time is just too fast for me. I always had this silly wish for it to slow down for me, so that I can better plan my time and not waste a second of my life. Life is really short afterall. Like a candle in the wind, a vapour in the air, a wave in e ocean. haha so vulnerable and hence precious.

I really cant make out if i am happy or sad now. Cos i have experiencing both at the same time. What a confused person i am. I can even experience two extreme emotion at the same time. I am really happy to see my old classmates after sooooo long! Eveyone seem to have change in their own way and yet at e same time still displaying their very own traits. But yeah everyone had grown prettier i would say and more mature in thoughts and the way we carry ourselves i guess. No longer as wild and mad. Hmm... actually not totally because everyone is still as easily excited and we were talking soooo loudly that any late comers to the party can just locate the house by following the noise we were all making. All in all, it really warms the heart to reminisce the good old days when everyone is still deck in their IJ blue uniform and having fun together as a class. And of cos, our teachers back during the days were not spared in our conversation too. We were recalling all the embarassing moments of our teachers (like how the teacher table collapsed when our A maths teacher sat on it), imitating how certain teachers speak, and bitching about teachers whom we simply detest and despised. haha. Not to forget fellow Ij gals from other classes too. And also our temp jobs now. haha. It's just so much fun to TALK and TALK and TALK endlessly. oh and all the scandals dug out from each other. I was so shocked to find out that my jc classmate is actually going after my friend and freaking her out! gosh but he looked so harmless. haha

well, i am also saddened by the inevitable university talk. I guess it's really quite sad to be among these group of high flyers. Everyone did well and got their future assured. All had received words from the university. One heading to Australia to study to become a vet. Another heading to UK to pursue law. But me? haha i guess i really seem to have only a word. BLEAK. i know i should have alot more faith in Him because He had promised me that my future is assured with His great plan. But it still hurt so much when people ask about where i am heading in life, i simply cant answer. It's so uncertain and frightening. Lately, I can't help it but start lookin back at how screwed up my life had been. I guess to answer my own question of have I gave it my best shot, it seemed like i hadn't perhaps. I had truly mug hard this time round. but well, it seemed like it is still not hard enough. while i mug frm 9am-2am, people are muggin till 3 and even 4 am. While ppl practise doubly hard for their maths, I had half given up hope and confidence in myself and most importantly in Him. why do i always have to struggle to get by? I guess God is teaching me to have a humble heart during this time because this thing is really crippling what ego i have left. To think that all these brighter stars of the universe were once just like me, lighting the night sky with the same intensity and brightness. But i had dimmed over time. I really hope to burn again. For a chance to burn once more, to light up the night sky. It so scary to just fade into the darkness. I wanna be like sirius too. To shine with a clear purpose.