Hold me close

Another letter. Another rejection. Not the ultimate one yet though so I am still surving well. But what will happen if the ultimate one arrives and my worse nightmare comes true? I guess I am much more mature and grown up spiritually after all these while already. I'm not longer so insistent on getting what i want. And well I can't say that I am very upset or whatsoever. Just quite numb. I am not so terrorised by fear anymore. So maybe perhaps I can still handle it quite well when the ultimate letter arrives.

"Failure equals a better opportunity and not a dead end" a friend of mine says. And how true it is. It will never be a dead end till we call it quit. And of course I am not gonna give up living or striving for the best. I will not give up.

Sometimes I wonder is it that God knows that I am quite a tough girl and therefore I am being put through greater hell and shit. Life can be so crappy. Doing better or worse than others doesn't guarantee whether or not you will be getting a place. And a mother that is so not understanding and totally insensitive to the point that i actually feel like strangling her. yes. How unfilial and totally SINFUL! but my mother is really testing my patience. I am so ashame of myself too. Just because I am upset i can't take her nasty words well and i ended up hating her. I wish i can have greater patience and a more gentle spirit.

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' (Roms 8:28). I rest in His assurance.

'Not only so but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.' (Roms 5:3-5). Indeed, all these has build up a pretty tenacious side of me.

The road is going to get harder and harder. With my dad having second thoughts about me going abroad, it does look a little bleak. I've check out UWA. I think i would love to go there but 21,000 a yr for tuition fees and projected 11,000 living expenses are not small sums either. But i really would love to take a study loan and pay off my own debt later. As the going gets tougher, I guess our only answer will be to draw even closer to Him. Hold me really close to you O Lord.