Emo Elmo

Really didnt want to write such depressing entry but i guess sometimes the encourager needs to be encouraged too. I really can't cope with my own feelings. cant cope at all and there's no other avenue but here. for my own ranting. I am really fine. but i have no idea too why i keep lapsing into brittle moments like this every now and then.

I really have no desire to camp at all. I really dread the thought of me being in camp tomorrow when the letter may just arrive any time. tomorrow? or sat? As much as i dread seeing my dad's disappointed face, I would rather be around with him when he sees it and accept reality together. Live concert from my mom. Rather than me being away and my parents can't even take their disappointment out on me.

As much as i have given this much thought and have alternative plans mapped out. I still can't cope. I really can't see myself working for the next half a year while my peers are all leading a carefree campus life. i really really am desperate to mug. It is really so difficult to accept. I can't help but keep questioning why why why? Why is it that BBD is sufficient? BBE is jus one grade away? One grade makes all the difference in the world. A fairy tale ending versus a horrid nightmare. Den the whys evolves into more whys. Why can't i jus get a single A? why cant i get A for either bio or econs which i mugged so hard for? Why? Why can't i get PSA? Why am i just so stupid? Why are there ppl with poorer grades granted a place? Why just not me? it's so frustrating!!!

But then again I cooled. No point. No point questioning all these. Girl have more faith. Things may happen that are beyond your understanding, but trust Him that he knows. He weeps as i am weeping. Every pain i am feeling He feels it too. Therefore trails are never placed in life for fun. It hurts so much cos it has a great purpose.

It is really so scary... I decided to appeal. Though i know this glimmer of hope is but an instant. Just like a flicker of the candle flame. Gone in a flash with the wind.

I really wanna go overseas to study. I really yearn to go to a proper university to get a good degree. I don't want to be scarred for life by this. But parental issues and money costraints are making it so difficult. In the end, i can only watch as the deadline for july intake approaches. Dad thinks it is fine to wait for the feb intake to give it more time to think. But daddy, i only have now dad. I'm already 19. Life is short. Youth is even shorter. I only have now to give of my best. My prime time is now. How long more do i have to wait? I can't imagine working for 6 months... work and watch all my friends attending schools and out of sync with my life.

i never knew i love studying so much man. surprising how much u treasure somethg when it is taken away from you. Not studying for a degree. not for a sake of future. But really studying cos i yearn for a campus life. because i yearn to hit e books... to have a goal to work towards. Not aimless everyday chore to bring in the money.

And rovering is also slowly losing its appeal. Yeah i am burnt. I don't see any value anymore. Something which i was passionate about suddenly had lost its charm. I don't even know what i am doing now. I am helping out my juniors. But i am not gettin any sense of satisfaction or happiness. It brings me nothing but additional stress and frustration. And right now i have no energy left to focus on other things. I desire nothing else and i don't wanna bother about anything else. It's sad to realise too that I have been wasting alot of time. Of late did i realise that my leader had been wasting my time. Endless meetings that proved to be redundant on hindsight. Projects after projects of effort, sweat and toil amounts to nothing. In this darkest hour, what help had i received? What returns have i gotten?

Ogre once a knight in shiny armour is nothing but ogre. Assertive to the point of being insensitive and obnoxious. Void of concern and heart for others.

There's no one to be held responsible except myself for allowing my time to be robbed freely. No time for friends, no time for parents, no time for studies, no time for myself, and even no time for God. What have i done?? I must gain control of my own time. I'm tired. Perhaps it's time to retire. But for now, duty calls. Group camp it shall be. Another reason why i am tired. I don't even have time to lament.

Job interview

A few days ago on one of the pages in the classified i saw this job offer: 1 mth temp promoter at vivo city/orchard. $6/hr + basic commission.

1 mth sounds good as it fits really well into my schedule and so i called up the agent who arranged for me an interview.

Wow for a 1 month promoter job, there's still an interview?! The interview was today, though i am not really keen on this job because the working hours is so insanely long and i am expected to work for EVERDAY of the month, i decided to go ahead for the interview for the experience at least.

N oh man... I had a shock when i reached the office. It's a very big company with like big big brand labels under them. And another shock is when i realise the crowd sitting at the sofa near the reception table are all the people going for the same job as me! SHOCKING. i never expect it to be like that! it's just a temp job! a ONE month temp job! y is it so highly sought after? And good thing i decided to dress up abit more (wore my white dress), i had almost wanted to wear a tee shirt n skirt which would have been so sloppy! everyone was well dressed up. all wearin shirts n proper office pants.

The 3rd shock came when i saw the interview matrix. There is like a whole 1st section devoted to looks and appearance. Gosh. so now we know image and impressions are so important! Everyone should put in effort to groom up. there's no ugly ducklings but lazy bums. Some of the judging factors are, looks (pretty-->not pretty), complexion, skin tone, grooming. Gosh. other sections are lanuage ability, confidence level and retail experience.

N they really place alot of emphasis on personal grooming and make up. I went in with another girl. And we were being questioned on our skin care regime n make up habits. gosh lucky i am vain and i could answer their questions. The other girl was quite screwed at this. She doesnt really care about her skin n doesnt know how to make up. But well good thg she has retail experience but i don't. Think experience is much more important. Looks can be enhanced with makeup, grooming can be taught but experience cant be gained overnight.

haha so i guess that's why i couldnt get the job. Good experience though! My 1st taste with job interviews.

snippets #2

2nd installment of our bimbo moments saw wei shan with more of her blur moments and even more of my blur moments. Warning: just as hilarious as snippets #1

In the office the other day, weishan is looking for grace
Wei shan: lydia where's lydia
lydia: huh?

At republic poly, yi zhin wei shan and i were walking out of the campus after a day of hardwork. Fatigue, drained of every drop of energy, and in extreme pain cos of our heels. Yi zhin and I spotted Ms Ho on the upper stairs on our left.
yi zhin and I: eh ms ho is upstairs
wei shan (look straight up at the ceiling): huh? Where?

Wei shan and i at the train station. As the train approaches...
me: eh hurry! e bus is here!

The other day as i was walking home, i realised i forgot my key and so i called home
mum: hello
me: hello mummy are you at home?
mum: ....

And just yesterday i learnt a lesson. Never try yanking your belt out from your pile of clothes. Esp those elastic belts. My poor nose was almost broken by the stewpid buckle of the belt that came flying to my face as i yanked it out from under my clothes.

i must be too deprived of sleep and rest....yah must be...

pilates showing effects

All my pilates workout seem to be taking effects. Was having my meeting this morning when a small boy fell and had a bad cut on his knee and so I went over to help him ( professional medic u see! muahaha). I wasn't very confident of carrying him so i was really hoping that he can hobble his way with my help to get his wounds treated but too bad he was howling in pain and i was forced to carry him. N gosh! my muscles are indeed growing stronger. I managed to lift the boy up and carry him to seek aid. my biceps! haha so happy with the result of my workout! =))

I really think that i am getting very sick of the overwhelmed by scouts activities lifestyle. There is so much more to life. Spending time with yourself, doing things outside scouting that you like, spending more time with your friends and family. Argh. I am really tired i guess. Burnt out from my venturing days. Those are the hard core days. I was more of a full time venture and part time student. Now i just regret. I really wanna be a full time student.

But anyway meetings are really torturing me in a way. Pre meetings before the actual meeting, the meeting itself and than post meeting! arghhh i am just so tired of letting meetings burn away my own private time. Like i have other commitments like cell too. Well not that i mind if nt i won't be helping out. but well have to be really mindful and not jus give in to others and pressure since it is my goal now to lead a balance lifestyle. So yupz! i shall stick to this 'balance' principle! And watch my priorities. Shall not let scout stuff override my church commitments.

Well although it's a sian day of meetings, i had fun too. Went over to joanne's house to paint the photo frames and door hanger for charity sales with the rest of the works comm people which is basically just jo, me wei shan, pamelia and joel. Haha we had alot of fun painting though! listening to joel's army stories and his cute army songs! Talking nonsense among ourselves! Oh to top it off, after painting wei shan n i went to meet kenneth and shaun for a movie. Pirates of the Carribbean is so awesome!! all the breath taking view of the sea... the sun set.... sunrise and the old sailing ships... and of cos all the actions from the man of wars. Wah it's fantasttic... the plot is a lil sad tho... :( dun like. Well it's a must watch lah! So well it had been a great night!

Navy open house

Today turned out to be a pretty much exciting and happy day. Though i had a minor heart attack in the morning, everything turned for the better for the rest of the day. Phew! my nightmare hadnt come true YET. yah so meanwhile i can still live and breath normally.

Went for the navy open house today though it's open to the public only tomorrow all thanks to David who brought us there. Yay! benefit of having a navy officer as scout leader. haha

The war crafts are really big and majestic. All the vessels are so handsome! There's so many different models and classes of them. And their sizes are just astonishing. Well i had went onboard an old sailing ship, the Gotheborg, and it has its own charm. But these modern vessels are so sophisticated and so much BIGGER. haaha it's really amazing when you enter these vessels cos they are so much bigger than they seem. It feels like these ships are at least 3 times the size of my apartment. GOSH. haha

And they have really really nice names too!! RSS Perseverance, RSS Endurance etc. Gosh they sound really zai. haha. cant thk of a better and proper ennglish word for it. it's jus zai. Oh and yes navy officers all look sooo smart in their uniform!! the girls too! ahhh. so smart n pretty. oh and the NDU ppl are all very smart n zai looking lah. men of honour. haha




ship so big it can house another smaller vessel inside.


view from the inside. Vessel entering.


on the deck where choppers land. the row of flag penants!


david's ship


a rare sight. a sole pink cloud. stewpid hand that ruined the pretty shot

Not so easy

well it is not as easy as i thought. haha i had a delayed reaction and i kept lapsing into self pity. gosh.

oh i saw in the papers that UNSW Asia is closing down soon. Like how shocking. Was relieved that at least i didnt apply there cos my dad would want me to try it before we consider overseas options or I will feel even worse than now probably. But well, it also mean one less option for me. haha.

Life is really so crappy.

Oh i think i found a job. Promoter at vivo city. Selling fragrance or skin care products. Not exactly the kind of job i am looking for. Still hoping to get a pet shop job!!! i wanna work with cuties. But the promoter job fits into my schedule. It's jus a 1 month temp job so july i can fly off for my holiday with no worries. Oh should i get another office job? there's another temp clerk offering. but it's at macpherson. is it far frm my hse? well there'll be no other place closer to my home than vivo lah! haha

Hold me close

Another letter. Another rejection. Not the ultimate one yet though so I am still surving well. But what will happen if the ultimate one arrives and my worse nightmare comes true? I guess I am much more mature and grown up spiritually after all these while already. I'm not longer so insistent on getting what i want. And well I can't say that I am very upset or whatsoever. Just quite numb. I am not so terrorised by fear anymore. So maybe perhaps I can still handle it quite well when the ultimate letter arrives.

"Failure equals a better opportunity and not a dead end" a friend of mine says. And how true it is. It will never be a dead end till we call it quit. And of course I am not gonna give up living or striving for the best. I will not give up.

Sometimes I wonder is it that God knows that I am quite a tough girl and therefore I am being put through greater hell and shit. Life can be so crappy. Doing better or worse than others doesn't guarantee whether or not you will be getting a place. And a mother that is so not understanding and totally insensitive to the point that i actually feel like strangling her. yes. How unfilial and totally SINFUL! but my mother is really testing my patience. I am so ashame of myself too. Just because I am upset i can't take her nasty words well and i ended up hating her. I wish i can have greater patience and a more gentle spirit.

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' (Roms 8:28). I rest in His assurance.

'Not only so but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.' (Roms 5:3-5). Indeed, all these has build up a pretty tenacious side of me.

The road is going to get harder and harder. With my dad having second thoughts about me going abroad, it does look a little bleak. I've check out UWA. I think i would love to go there but 21,000 a yr for tuition fees and projected 11,000 living expenses are not small sums either. But i really would love to take a study loan and pay off my own debt later. As the going gets tougher, I guess our only answer will be to draw even closer to Him. Hold me really close to you O Lord.

Backwoodsman

Finally had the outdoor cooking session with my junior today. After weeks of last minute postponing due to other commitments, we finally worked this into our busy schedule ( not that i am very busy now. since i quit Melody of Eupphoria, i had quite a it of time actually).

Oh well, good thing i called clement to come along cos if not the session would not have been as enriching i would think. Not that i am not good(just not really good haha. must have confidence! =P) but he value-added to our session. He was able to teach mervyn how to sustain his fire better and how to handle a spade much better than i can teach him haha.

And so come to my strength which is cooking! haha. how strange it is that my strength among all other scouting skills lies in cooking when i don't even cook often. haha. guess cooking in mess tins or in this case backwoodsman cooking cooking without utensils, things become really different and even the usual chef will get restricted. haha.

I was really happy to share with mervyn some of the many creative ways to cook without utensils and it brings me much joy to know that he had learnt new things today and that he had alot of fun out it. heh. clement n i had tonnes of fun too! We overshot the time though and cooked till 8 plus. haha but cooking in the dark under the new crescent moon adds another dimension to our fun and excitement. Haha we cooked and savour our food. It felt really cosy and heart warming actually to cook together and eat together with the two of them. haha

so today's menu:

-Rice with preserved spicy si chuan veg
=> cooked in coconut husk. a tinge of refreshing coconut after taste and the salty and slightly spicy si chuan veg.

- Marinated Grilled Chicken
=> grilled on skewers made from branches. haha shave off the outer bark of the branch to reach the clean wood inside. Lightly salted and peppered. Grilled to perfection by chef mervyn

-Chicken Wrap in dough
=> Originally to be wrap in mud in real survival cooking but we decided to use dough instead cos it will be cleaner. wrap the chicken in dough and dump it into the fire pit. Crack the clay like hardened dough to get to the cooked the chicken.

- Bread with chocolate rice
=> Dough wrapped around a branch n toast over fire till it turns into bread. Mix chocolate rice into the dough for some sweetness. Bread with melted chocolate centre on a stick!

-Banana with stuffed melted cheese and chocolate
-Slit banana into halves and stuffed in cheese and chocolate rice. Warm gently over the fire till the cheese and chocolate melt. Taste much like fondue with cheese!

How weird can one get after enduring 2-3 hrs of smoke n grime? My junior started baking his own backside in an attempt to dry his pants which is wet due to sitting on the damp ground... haha ok lah i am weird too. I went mad with dough in my hand too. Instead of wrapping the chicken in dough, i found myself wiping dough onto people after some time. heh.

By the way, the mozzies are really really incorrigible. They suck like their have never tasted blood for their entire lives. Gosh. And i realised that i have forgotten about my garang side. Haha i got all whiney when the hordes of mozzies start coming after me. Thanks to the mozzy coil, i was saved.

Nooblets' nightout

Yes we finallly finally went to club on friday night. After all the pushing and post poning, we finally decided to just go ahead and not shelf our plans any further. Had always wanted to go club again after e post prom party but we never seem to be able to find e time where all could make it.

anway so yes, sam sarah jesmine liz n I, the 5 nooblets went to zouk to 'chiong' on friday night. oh man we really love the music! ahh thinking of it just makes me wanna groove some more to the music. But sigh only drawback is that the whole place reeks sooooo BAD. cos I smelled like i had climbed through some chimmeys. It stinks so bad. Argh, they shd jus ban smoking in the clubs haha.

oh it's so coincidental that daniel was there too. It's so funny how happy i was to see my ex tutor again after so long. haha was really happy to see a fren after so long i guessed. Daniel was really nice to us. He let us stay close to his gang and kept a watch out for us too. haha we are so lucky man. If not for him the 5 noobs would have got into more awkward situations. haha

days in hell

Skills need to be honed and instruments need to be sharpened before they can be of any use. And God our loving Father put us through trials to make us stronger people who can then be of greater use to work for His purposes.

God did not promise us a bed of roses and indeed rough patches are inevitable in life. These days had been nothing but hell to me. Exactly how hellish? It had been just nights after nights of tears and incessant worrying and fear. When prayers do not seem to be answered and your desire for something is so overwhelming that you can’t stop thinking about it, how are you to cope?

Everyday I await in vain for some form of response, for my prayers to be answered but no. Nothing. And when a response came in, it was nothing but an outright rejection. To make things worse, a mother who is totally not understanding or even sensitive to your feelings come into the picture. Yelling at you every morning when you are still far away in dreamland. Bless my heart, it is strong that I hadn’t die of any heart attack any of these mornings. Really regretting quitting my job, because life at home is really so hard thanks to my mother who keeps rubbing salt into my wound. And I really don’t want to let my parents catch me being all emotional over this either. Truly, everyday is just simply a day of hell. A day of anticipating in vain. A day of being ripped apart by fear. A day of emotional trauma.

The idea of not being able to continue my studies is really daunting and humbling. I have learnt through these days not to pin much hopes anymore. I’ve waited enough. At this point, I am no longer pinning much hope but just praying for strength to cope with what may be coming along.

However, God is ever so loving. He will never make us go through trials to have nothing to gain from it. I have realized and come to understand so much more things that I have failed to see before. I have never given the things around me as much thoughts as I had now.

I had grown so much within this short period of time. It is in times of troubles that we begin to see who how blessed we are. I am indeed very very blessed by my gracious Lord. Although everyday is nothing but hell to me these days, it is not so bitter as it would have been simply because I have really great friends who supported me. Truly I am blessed to have these people in my life. All my friends are so encouraging and had become a source of strength for me. Thanks so much. It is really comforting to know that there are people who are concern about me. Seniors and close friends are all praying hard for me. Even people who had backslided started praying again. God is good. I had never felt as blessed before in my life. And praise Him for making use of situations to bring people closer to Him. I have never been praying this intensely and clinging onto Him like a child who is so afraid. And I know many too would have come much closer to Him through their frequent prayers for me too. Praise Him!

Secondly, I also realised how much my dad loves me. I am truly thankful to have such a supporting father. It is very comforting and touching to know that my dad is utterly worried for me not because he was afraid that I am going to disappoint him or bring shame to the family but simply because he was so afraid of losing me. I never knew that he actually understood my feelings. But apparently he knew it better than anyone else. He knew that this may be too big a blow for me to handle.

I also came to realise that I should really not take money for granted. Many of my friends are all very well off, and going overseas is not much of a problem to them. And my daddy despite not having so much money is also more than willing to try and work something out for me so that I can still have a proper education. But for some there is simply no way out. Overseas can never be an option because the family simply can not provide for it. This is life. There will be smart people who can club the night before and still score all As and people who slaught their guts out but can only scrape through with mediocre results. There will be people who are so wealthy that they have all the options in the world and people who can not have much of a choice due to financial constraints. This is life.

A friend encouraged me with a bottle of candies filled with colours that aren’t exactly my favourite. He gave a note which says: ‘ The colours that we see in this little bottle may not be our favourite. Neither will the paths that we may have to take in life be ideal. Yet even though the colours may not be the most favoured, their taste may result in a tinge of sweetness including a few pleasant surprises, just like the candy in this bottle.’ I just felt so encouraged and so strengthened.

Another friend, a senior, told me God hears our cries and He weeps too when we weep. How sweet and comforting to know. I should cry lesser here on now.

There is a season for everything. A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecc 3:4). A season of hardship or rather a season of learning I would say. This is a season where I am taught to be humble and meek, and realised more things about life. Things that I often took for granted.

This had also been a season of faith and trust. What better way is there than trails to strengthen our faith in Him. When everything in life is smooth sailing, there is simply not much room for Him. What better testimony can we provide of His greatness than the time that He had tide us through our difficulties. When fear threatened to blow me up into splinters, He said, ‘Fear not for I am with you; Be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ (Isaiah 41:10). When my vision is clouded by my great desire and wish, He gently prompted, ‘Many are the plans in a man’s heart but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.’ (Proverbs 19:21). Blessed be His name truly.

Shared my thoughts during cell today and so coincidentally Ivan had the same things to share as well. We both felt that indeed this is what God wants to tell the both of us and I felt so blessed by his sharing. Praise God.

Phantom of the Opera

Went to watch the phantom of the opera with Shan on Tuesday. The show was just totally MAGIC. The way they actually made use of the space on stage and how fast they can changed from one setting to another, it was just simply so magical. Even the way the actors and actresses speed change into their different costumes on stage! The way they weave everything into the story is just splendid. There isn’t a second on stage that the audience are not entertained. And of course, the voices of the actors and actresses are awesome. they just blew my mind. Haha

Not forgetting the roof top scene where rahoul sang w christine. it's so uber sweet and romantic. poor phantom though. No matter how much we deny the fact that looks are secondary, i guess looks do count. 1st impression are important. so phantom the social reject. But i guess it would have help if he was not as psycho. But den again i supposed he turned psycho cos society has rejected him, banished him and left him to be engulf and consumed by darkness.

mother's day dinner

yay! i feel so proud of myself today. haha my cook for my parents project is accomplished smoothly today. Sigh i realise that cooking is indeed such a chore, i begin to understand why my mom simply refuse to cook. Cooking itself is fine i think, but cleaning up is such a hassle!!! gosh... soooo many of the pots, pans, bowls, plates, utensils, cutleries to wash! and argh.. the table tops. gosh. i am so shagged after cooking. but i am still happy and satisfied with myself for being able to make a proper dinner for my parents. N haha it's feels great to see them grinning ear to ear.

Today's menu:

madness

Today had been a really crazy day. Had to wake up early to go for the pre group camp meeting meeting at 915 followed by the actual group camp meeting at 10 am. After which, I was still working on helping my juniors to refine their group camp proposal over lunch. Lunch is followed by the campfire leaders workshop which lasted from 2 to 5pm plus. Sigh. The whole day was just a mad rush from one scout activity to another.

Things picked up by evening though. The juniors are having their ventures fright night tonight at this very moment, and bbq dinner was at my place before that. Everyone had fun by simply mingling with one another and i am glad to see the new comers slowly gelling in and fitting into the unit. haha reminds me of a cheer... 'I say very, u say good!'. 'Very'. 'Good!'. 'Very'. 'Good!'.

But haha just as you think the madness of the day is over (no more mad rushing), something else beats it. After the bbq, liz shan and 2 of my juniors came up to my house to get dress and do their makeup for their little role play of their well scripted, highly imaginative horror flick to be aired live right now at this moment as i write at Tang dynasty. Just recently i had made an observation that aquila ventures (past and present) are really a bunch of highly imaginative people ( the juniors with their submarine crash.. Lost in Nibu Island theme for their group camp proposal). But tonight i realise antoher common trait in us too! we all embody that potential to get really high on our own without even the need to get intoxicated. Highness will lead to madness. And exactly how mad we can get? We simply forgot the word 'image'.

To be ghost like, shaun actually wore my skirt and painted his face white with two red circles on his cheeks. Same as wei shan except that i would say he had made a greater sacrifice by cross dressing. While iz had a super thick and joined eyebrows that flies up her temple at the ends, a moustache and a big mole on her cheek. Tze wei? she was spotting smudged panda eyes with a big mole on her cheek.

haha photos shall not be divulge to protect the identities of the people mentioned above.

my solace

' Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him' (Hebrews 11:6)

Faith is...
+ believing God. no matter how you feel, mo matter how u read the circumstances, no matter what anyone else tells u.
+simply taking God at His word. Believing them whether you understand or not, can explain or not.
+beyong intellectual assent

'but to each one is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. ' (1 corinthians 12:7)

Gifts are...
+ Given to us but not given for us but to benefit others.
+ given by the Spirit to make us adequate for the work God has for us. It's sufficient.
+ of different forms and varieties but all for a common good. There is no need to compare at all.

Lastly to end,

' Many are the plans in a Man's heart. But it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand' (Proverbs 19:21)

sad or happy?

Had a class gathering just now with my sec 4 classmates. Gosh time really FLIES and it so freaky cos time is just too fast for me. I always had this silly wish for it to slow down for me, so that I can better plan my time and not waste a second of my life. Life is really short afterall. Like a candle in the wind, a vapour in the air, a wave in e ocean. haha so vulnerable and hence precious.

I really cant make out if i am happy or sad now. Cos i have experiencing both at the same time. What a confused person i am. I can even experience two extreme emotion at the same time. I am really happy to see my old classmates after sooooo long! Eveyone seem to have change in their own way and yet at e same time still displaying their very own traits. But yeah everyone had grown prettier i would say and more mature in thoughts and the way we carry ourselves i guess. No longer as wild and mad. Hmm... actually not totally because everyone is still as easily excited and we were talking soooo loudly that any late comers to the party can just locate the house by following the noise we were all making. All in all, it really warms the heart to reminisce the good old days when everyone is still deck in their IJ blue uniform and having fun together as a class. And of cos, our teachers back during the days were not spared in our conversation too. We were recalling all the embarassing moments of our teachers (like how the teacher table collapsed when our A maths teacher sat on it), imitating how certain teachers speak, and bitching about teachers whom we simply detest and despised. haha. Not to forget fellow Ij gals from other classes too. And also our temp jobs now. haha. It's just so much fun to TALK and TALK and TALK endlessly. oh and all the scandals dug out from each other. I was so shocked to find out that my jc classmate is actually going after my friend and freaking her out! gosh but he looked so harmless. haha

well, i am also saddened by the inevitable university talk. I guess it's really quite sad to be among these group of high flyers. Everyone did well and got their future assured. All had received words from the university. One heading to Australia to study to become a vet. Another heading to UK to pursue law. But me? haha i guess i really seem to have only a word. BLEAK. i know i should have alot more faith in Him because He had promised me that my future is assured with His great plan. But it still hurt so much when people ask about where i am heading in life, i simply cant answer. It's so uncertain and frightening. Lately, I can't help it but start lookin back at how screwed up my life had been. I guess to answer my own question of have I gave it my best shot, it seemed like i hadn't perhaps. I had truly mug hard this time round. but well, it seemed like it is still not hard enough. while i mug frm 9am-2am, people are muggin till 3 and even 4 am. While ppl practise doubly hard for their maths, I had half given up hope and confidence in myself and most importantly in Him. why do i always have to struggle to get by? I guess God is teaching me to have a humble heart during this time because this thing is really crippling what ego i have left. To think that all these brighter stars of the universe were once just like me, lighting the night sky with the same intensity and brightness. But i had dimmed over time. I really hope to burn again. For a chance to burn once more, to light up the night sky. It so scary to just fade into the darkness. I wanna be like sirius too. To shine with a clear purpose.

cooking

Cell yesterday was really special. We had our Men and Women session #2 yesterday and as usual we broke into our gender group to share and study the bible. But what was different yesterday was that, we were told to cook a meal for the guys during our sharing session. The bible talks about God's standard of a Godly women. She is someone who loves everyone around her, compassionate and faithful. She is a good wife to her husband and a good mother to her children.

so yeah!! there we go! haha, all of us had to prepared 2 dishes according to the recipes given by our 2 dearest cell leaders who love to cook on their own too. I had a shocked at 1st cos i had never expected cooking and serving the guys during cell. Haha but nonetheless, it was fun preparing the dishes together with everyone.

But it kind of raised a few questions in my mind. Why is it that God gave us women such a role? Like why so specific that women have to be the one to take care of the household, to cook and serve her husband? I think the husband too have to serve right? take turns to do chores? isnt it more fair? Well but all in all after the session, i am quite inspired to really learn and practise how to cook properly, not because i am in love with cooking but because i see cooking as a way to express your love for the person you are cooking for! so yupz!! To be a compassionate young lady starts at home! haha let's see... let's err... aim to cook at one dish per week for my parents!!! =)) ok let's pray that i have the determination and discipline to carry this plan out!!

Personal Vacation

Glad that I made good use of today or rather yesterday (public holiday) to go on a personal vacation. Had a very fulfilling trip and below is my itinerary for the day:

1st stop: Soul-searching
Steph is a greatly ambitious girl! She is a goal setter and goal pursuer. She gets depressed when she realized that she had fallen short of her own high expectations. She aspire to be someone who is genuinely compassionate about serving others, a voice for the oppressed, an inspiration for others, a listening ear for the wounded, a great mentor to her juniors, a filial daughter and most importantly a great child of God.

She’s a control freak in the sense that she has a great desire to be in control of her life with regards to her future. She doesn’t like things unpredictable and not within her control. An area which has to be to work on.

2nd Stop: Spiritual Awareness
Realise that all successes should be credited to God. It is ok to be ambitious and seek great success and recognition in life. However it is important to be clear of the aim behind this. It is not to put your name but His name under the limelight. At the end of the day, it should be Stephanie the humble servant of God who achieved all those through His strength.

And also we should never be overly obsessed with being the in-charged of our life because otherwise we will be trying to be the Almighty. Let Him be the pilot of our life and rest assured that he has a perfect plan for us and therefore we can have peace at heart and stop being fearful of the unpredictables. My small steps: Have a big picture in mind and pray for God’s directions, commit all goals to God and pray that I will desire His will. Set a monthly target to meet and not the really short-termed weekly goals.

Be a responsible young lady. This means not just having a spirit of excellence in work but also be careful about becoming a stumbling block for others. Be really clear of what I want and be more caution of my actions.

3rd Stop: Goal Setting
So after spending quality time with myself and God, it’s time to chart out my life, at least till 10 years later. Haha really big dreams I have, but I do not see them as unrealistic. Big dreams, small disciplined steps. And “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength”. So what’s there to fear? The impossible is nothing. Lol sounds like advertisement.

4th Stop:
I finally decided that today is the auspicious day to clear my bedroom and study. After months of nagging from my mom to no avail, I finally couldn’t stand the sight of the mess myself. As I sieved through the sea of rubbish, I saw the different kinds of rubbish that were accumulated during the different phase of my life. Like notes during my A levels, documents form ventures, and the most recent uni application materials. I even found my dairy from sec to early jc life. It was cool to see my growth over time and I am thoroughly amused at the stuff I wrote last time and also amazed at how much I have grown as a person within these few years. Amazing and drastic change man.


5th Stop: Rover matters
Did some rovers matters. Collated the limited feedbacks (only 2?!) on the squireship programme and started to work on drafting out a framework for this system. It is quite an uphill task to draft something from scratch but is really something that I want to do to contribute to the crew and benefit the juniors I guess.

6th Stop: IAMP (Improve Ang Moh Programme)
YAY! I am finally reading a book again! After a whole 2 years of hectic JC life and abandoning the story books for more important reading materials like notes and reference books? Haha it feels good and I really see the need for me to brush up my English. My ang moh is very the hopeless now.

7th stop: Sewing
Yes I finally took my sewing machine out of the box. My sewing machine had been left happily sitting inside its box since the day I brought it home from best denki. Wanted to sew myself a denim clutch with this envelope design that I drew out myself. Thought it was gonna be a piece of cake. But what the hell, the machine got stuck like twice! 1st time, the ribbon I was sewing was too small and it went into the machine. Then next, I kept sewing out of the cloth when I am joining the edges. So all the threads were stuck inside the machine and I spent most of my sewing time trying to yank them out. ARGH! In the end, haha it’s still pieces of denim cloth lying on the table with no clutch in sight.

Ok the whole personal vacation ends with a really sumptuous dinner at Glutton Square with Justin and Wei Shan. We had 8 chicken wings, rice each, stingray, kang kong and fried hokkien mee. WAH n guess wat, all these still doesn’t satisfy the 3 gluttons and we walked to Lau Pa Sat to have deserts. Mango milk ice. GOSH. GCC must really increase in frequency and intensity. LOL. All in all today was a happy day!! =)