siansation

I have no idea why but these days have been pretty much boring for me. There' s simply nothing to look forward to and nothing to aim for. Probably why i am caught in this period of perpetual sian-ness.

and what have i done so far out of boredom. haha. I had zhng my blog. and today i was even tempted by all the ang moh babes at my condo to go sun tanning! haha yupz let the sun shine on me!

but anyway yeah these days have been really aimless. Really hope to find my ground once again and start finding my purpose in life once again. nope i am not emo (elmo) just sian.

And my mom had successfully irritated me once again. She reallly never fails to do so. I am pissed off at her constant nagging abt NUS. Why can't she just get it that i am a uni reject and that's just too bad? I am pissed off with her treating SIM like it's really something so under her. Do i have a choice? no! GRR. pure pissed off. And i am pissed too at her jumping into wrong conclusions and thinking that she knows me very well. so pissed.

I was just commenting to her about some girls in my life who are drop dead gorgeous, hot, rich and smart. Some of them are also darn havoc but guess what they're all straight As students. Argh sigh. And so i was just tellin my mom that i wanna be like them too. N it's ridiculous how she twisted my message into I wanna be havoc. GRR. so totally off point.

What i had meant was simply, I wanna be pretty, rich n smart too!! I don't care if i struggled like shit to churn out the result but at least it's cool to have people to think that it's very easy for me. I mean.. argh u get the point. The emphasis is not even at havoc. Sigh. But yeah i had always look up to this cousin of mine. She's pretty, rich and most of all SMART. n e latest addition to her life havoc. But well her havoc doesnt affect her capability. so yeah! Argh.. i wanna be like her too!

Personality Test

Your Score: Androgynous

You scored 60 masculinity and 63 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

ok i guess this explains why. i have a strong personality indeed. hmm.. mayb that's y i find myself so contradictory at times. like i find some women in my life too gu niang for my liking and yet i also don't appreciate girls who are too 'manly'... hmm..

zhng again

yay! added my lame animation sticker. Check it out folks!

zhng my blog

itchy hand me decided to zhng my blog out of boredom and curiosity to test out all these cool stuff. haha

well. yupz if you take a closer look.. i have added a teddy bear sticker above my links to proudly proclaim that all you frenz r loved by me. Anyone else who wanna b loved by me can tell me ur blog add n i will add on the list lol!

oh yes and e even more ah lian addition! a lyrics box. lol! mayb some day i will take it down when i am less bored. yeah. for now quite cool lah!

mayb shd add the very lame sticker dat i found even. HEH. i am ruining my own blog. argh


oh btw let's blog abt last night as well. Haha wanted to bring my dad out for a posh dinner since it's his birthday but instead he requested for a treat to k box. so haha my parents and i made our way down to k box after dinner for our k session. sang from 8 to 12 plus. really cool actly. haha to hear my not that loving parents actually picked up the mike to sing TOGETHER. gosh. quite sweet lah. oh and haha my dad sings hokkien and canto songs.. quite beng...

chiong.short hair.mahjong

Had a class gathering yesterday at fish and co but it was quite sad that we had to sit on seperate tables because the restaurant simply can't accomodate us all seated at one table. But oh well at least 90% of the class turned up and it's quite fun catching up abit with everyone. Can only abit since we're all splitted up. sigh

After which we went to club. 10 of us. Was quite disappointed with the guys in my class though. so ungentlemanly of them to just back out last minute. to think we arrange this clubbing session on sat just to accomodate their NS schedule. oh well. never mind. Clubbing was really fun once again. Good music. Great time dancing. Minus the smoke and hanky panky all around u though. Some of those people at the club were just pure sick.

Oh i decided to go for a short hair look. haha getting a bit sick of having long hair flowing over my shoulders. Time for it to be off my shoulders.


haha ok lah shall not deceive people. Well i didnt really cut my hair. I did some trick with 2 rubber bands and 2 hair pins. haha and tada short hair! WOOHOO e wonders of hair styling. gosh.

Wei Shan, Liz, Sherm and I went over to Justin's place for a session of mahjong this afternoon. My first ever session of mahjong. And i am already hooked to the game. Any one wants to play?? heh =)

Plunge

Went for the event organised by VL's church yesterday. It's organised by their youth ministry and it was great to see lydia, grace, evelyn and desmond there. Gosh haha miss them tonnes since i quitted my job.

It was an awesome night for me because I felt God speaking to me so strongly during one of the song item by this girl called Joy. She has written this song herself and was sharing with us about how the song came about. And the words of the song just struck me so much. Emotions just welled up within me. Praise the Lord for hearing my crys! When I felt so weak and about the crumble, He had came to my rescue to strengthen me to uphold me once more. And I felt so relieved, like so so relieved, a huge burden lifted off my heart after last night. Rejoice!

So let me share about what God exactly had God spoken to me:

'In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of you faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honour at the revelation of Jesus Christ' (1 peter 1:6-7)

Trials are blessings. Therefore we do not question why others have it so seeminly easy while some others have to struggle so much. Trials are God's blessing really. And why so? simply because
1) through trials we are purified to become more and more like Him.
2) through trials we are strengthened because our faith in Him had increased as we put our trust in Him (our only source of deliverance). And lastly,
3) it is through trials that we become a blessing to others! Yes a blessing to others. We need not be rich or lead a really good high flyer kind of life to bless others. The way we lead our lives especially during trials are the best testimony to others of God's graciousness and strength. From the way we cope with our struggles, we can edify our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and be the living 'bible' for non-christians. Our lives become His testimony.


'But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. 'Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.' " (1 Peter 3:14)

1) Trials are blessings! we do not have to fear during trials because we know where it came from. If God our loving Father had allowed this to happen to us, He will strengthen us and help us learn and tide us through. Fear not! ( as he promised in isaiah 41:10)
2) Suffering from what is right.
God's benchmark is very different from the rest. From the society. Sometimes we are placed/forced into situations that makes us very different from the rest. From the so called norm. What God sees as 'right' maybe 'wrong' in the eyes of society and we will suffer. We will fear. We do not want to be the outcast. We fear about not fitting in. Not being part of the norm. Not part of the group. Just not the same.
But remember God's our benchmark? There is no room for comparison when He is our benchmark. His plans for us are the best! So why worry about being different? If He's our benchmark, everything falls into place!
Therefore we should not fear to take the plunge into the unknown. Let go completely and free fall into His loving arms. And we definitely will be blessed! Because the place that He wants us to be is the place where we will be the most successful, the place where we can glorify Him the best! So we do not fear what they fear. What others fear. about not being part of the norm. It's God's right that matters not what society think is right. We will be blessed. Let God be our benchmark.

Praise His name forever.

Night of Catching Up

It's a small world afterall, It's is a small world afterall, it's a small world afterall
It's a small small world

Well it is indeed a very small world. Just last night on my way for my cardio latino class at amore, i bumped into Zi Jie in the exact same train carriage as me! Now how much more coincidental can that be?! Oh well yeah there are even more outrageous instances such as bumping into a sec sch classmate while shopping in Hong Kong and later in the night bumping into a jc fren at the lift of my friend's hotel.. that day was a real freaky day. Just think of the probability of it happening man. It's a small world! But anyway back to bumping into zijie. Well it was a very pleasant coincidence since we haven't seen each other for ages! And we were both so excited to catch up!

And so we see ourselves all 5 of us ( Zheyin, Elizabeth, Zijie, Wei Shan and myself) sitting in the back alley of the dao hui stall in selegie not so much savouring our dao hui but just talking non-stop. Haha we had a good time talking for about an hour or so before a stewpid flying cockroach just flew out of no where and scared us off (ok just the 3 gals.. e 3 of us) haha. And so we slowly walked back towards the direction of the train station, stopping by the cathay, and just continued talking all the way.

As for our conversation, it's 10% our current scheule, 10% scouts+our days in the past, 80% NS. HAHA. but oh well i dun mind NS talk. Liz n wei shan too i guess. We have grown accustomed and after hearing so much of it from different sources, we have also gained quite a bit of insight and knowledge to give inputs to the convo. Gosh. haha i can might as well sign on. I can EVEN sing purple light! like wat the hell! LOL

oh not to forget we bumped into our seniors varun and jonathan(late cock chua) tonight too as we walked out of the cathay!This world is really small! so freaky sia.

chomp chomp trauma

A foodborne illness (also foodborne disease) is any illness resulting from the consumption of food. Although foodborne illness is commonly called food poisoning (wikipedia.com).

After that sumptuous Father's Day dinner at chomp chomp whereby my parents and I feasted on the mouth-watering grilled stingray, fried chicken wings, satays, stir fry kang kong w chilli, mussels (a.k.a dua tao which only my dad dared to eat... cos it's too gooey for my mom and I's liking), fish porridge and chocolate dao hui, I SUFFERED from the consequences of my own gluttony!

ARGH. Life is unfair once again. Both my parents, pleased and happy with their dinner, woke up to a beautiful morning yesterday, while I woke up with a churning rumbling stomache which soon caused me to turned into our state symbol- The Merlion.

Within one morning I puked at least 4 times. ARGH. To the point that my stomach which was already void of food started spewing its own bile and gastric juices. GOSH, that sickening greenish fluid which is very soon followed by a thick yellow viscous fluid with traces of oil floating on the surface. BLEAHX

It was so unfortunate that my dad was not at home then. And I am so amazed and impressed with my mom. Haha she was so focused on getting her housework done quickly so that she would then be free to bring sickly me to the clinic, that she appeared almost nonchalant towards my entire ordeal. There i was puking my bile out and making all that noise that would probably have induced everyone around me to puke as well(too bad there wasnt anyone else at home), while there she was in the same toilet with me frantically scrubbing the toilet window oblivious to her surrounding. It once again prove my point. My mom is definitely not the motherly sort. hahaha.

Through the history of my growing up years she had shown herself to be quite manly indeed. She is not the sort of women who whine at all, she doesnt complain of pain and sickness, she is not afraid of ANYTHING (except ghost and rats), she was indifferent when i went for my tekan camp while my dad wept as he sent me off to the camp. But oh well, I guess i had inherited abit of her garang nonchalant side too. haha since i had also proved that i wouldn't whine or squeal at bugs should situation calls for it and i too can take care of the sick and watch people retched their entire being out without my stomach giving its slightest churn. Haha i love my mom all the same.

Back to my plight. And so i spent the entire day bed ridden and not being able to eat. Unless u count 3-4 spoons of gruel as eating. ARGH...I swear i will never step into chomp chomp ever again nor will i be a greedy pig EVER again!!!

Woke up this morning feeling so much better. Praise the Lord for His healing hands and clement's prayers. But well after a traumatic day, I am zapped of all energy. Even walking to my toilet from my room was such a strenuous activity for me that i had to breathe so heavily, and brushing my teeth had almost triggered a blackout from me. Sigh.

But well I am revived now!! yay! praise the Lord! And I even managed to have bread and milo for breakfast just now. Hope i can eat my lunch later ( which is gonna b another meal of gruel) and not be so weak anymore. =)))

GCC-'Xtreme' and board games

I had GCC 'xtreme' yesterday afternoon. I had absolutely no idea why i had agreed to let myself be subjected to GCC xtreme haha perhaps it's cos my friend had a tough time and needs some company or maybe it's cos I do have an inner desire to challenge my limits (yeah yeah that's my garang side. I do secretly love to push myself to the max).

Oh well supposed to run 4.8km but haaha after being so lethargic for a long long time, i succumbed to inertia and only did a 4km. But still! haha it's an improvement and hope I will maintain this spirit and let's chiong for 5 km!!! =)))

Alright, had lunch with weishan and jonathan today followed by a board game session with my cell at mind cafe. Outreach today was supposed to be some water guns and water bombs game session, but sadly it got postponed due to rain. Liz had very nicely agreed to come along to hv fun with my cell. N we did have fun lah at mind cafe playing silly board games and going silly ourselves.

Oh after which, I went to shop with liz for a while to get my dad his father's day present and a handbag for myself. GOSH. Turned out that Liz n I both fell in love with the same bag. ARGH. n the word sale is sooooo tempting. N i really wanna chop myself up into pieces for shopping AGAIN. well so now we both hv the same guess bag haha. hope it's not weird! good frenz carry same bag can lah!! I think i am crazy... I need to STOP spending.

ok so why am i penning all these lil events down? cos i realised that my memory is gettin from bad to worse. It's like i couldnt even remember what i did just today without recalling real hard. Sigh. Guess i am really gettin a bit disinterested in life. Sounds bad right? But well can't be help. Life these days have been really aimless and meaningless too. I guess the result of being too oriented and goals driven is that when any other external factors strikes and messed up the plan, you would be stranded and at loss as to what action to take next.

Got a letter from SIM that i am on their waiting list due to overwhelming response. It's really ridiculous how tough competition is this year lah. No point regretting my past actions and well no point questioning the what ifs. I have already decided to move on.

Yupz so no more emo-ing just got to move on. No matter what lies ahead, MOVE ON. Though i am no longer so emotionally affected or distressed, I don't exactly feel good either. It's just numb and sigh i do feel like a dead corspe wasting each day away. Argh. well still it's progression frm depression. so let's jia you and MOVE ON!

Muffins

oh yay i finally baked my muffins after so long today! It's apple cinnamon muffin with bits of oat and cereal for the extra chew.

weird though the texture of the stuff i baked are always wrong.. sigh. But ok lah by far this is the most successful product that i have baked! though the texture is not dry but sticky 0_o gosh. haha but the taste is good and guess what? I didnt bake using those prepared mix this time round! I did it from scratch meauring out all the flour, baking powder, ground cinnamon, nutmeg etc bit by bit by myself. haha so proud of myself. yay!





stumbled upon these photos from group camp which i had forgotten to upload as i was uploading my muffin pic hahaha.


hot babes in army gortex and poncho! yay garang babes! =P


Eliz the reindeer


My patrol (my nightmare haha jkjk) at botanics

The Caribbean Bridge

Last night was a hell of a crazy night. haha after 'traumatising' joyce's tuition kid in the afternoon (yes my 1st tuition lesson! haha took over joyce for 1 lesson cos she was still recovering from a disastrous sun tan), I went down to meet up with the rest for dinner. What was supposed to be a temp alumni dinner had disappointly evolved into just a simple dinner with justin wei shan and clement. Not that it was not good, just that i had really looked forward to catching up with mark, guo sheng and many of the other temps at melody of euphoria. Missed them tonnes. sigh. Oh well can always have another one.

Dinner was at the famous bourna vista duck rice which wei shan love to bits haha. We 2 siao char bos found ourselves in action again shortly after we filled our stomaches. Justin was sharing with clement about his trip in redang and about the fish that bit him which reminded the 2 siao char bos of a campfire song. And we started singing except that we changed to lyrics to suit the context.

'There was fish (x2), Just a teeny weeny fish (x2)
and the fish was on the bread, and the bread was on the hand, and the hand was on dua tao....
And the fish pa jiao and it bit dua tao, and all was bright and gay'

After dinner was even more madness, haha justin weishan n i decided to haunt the PIECE of bridge at my house estate as 3 mad drunkards. Gosh, all the residents from the 2 blocks of apartments must have been wondering why their still and sereen night was suddenly pierced with lightning flashes, shrill laughters, and 3 ghostly shadows lurking at the bridge next to the sea. The initial plan was to sit by the bridge and soak up the beautiful panoramic view of the sea at night, with all the dimly lit lights surrounding us from the bridge itself, from the ships and from the apartments. BUT gosh who knows what the hell had caused us to get so high ( the liquor? cant be though haha since it's just barcardi n corona), we were having tonnes of fun with the camera and just being stark raving mad. Haha then again we get high on oxygen so last night was nothing unusual.











Pardon the miniscule size of the pictures. Please click on them to view the enlarged version and read the captions! =)))

Walas

Had a good relaxing shopping spree with wei shan in the afternoon before proceeding to Holland Village together with her to meet Justin for dinner which was at walas.

Haha was quite happy to exercise 'lead a full and balance life campaign'. Was asked if i was free to meet my RSL over dinner but too bad. It's too late a notice and i had already made my plans so i am not gonna change my schedule. If it's in e past i probably would cos scout stuff are like my responsibility and it takes precedence over everything. Silly me. I have grown to realise more now that I really do not have to do everything. N not everything is necessary or my responsibility so i have to safe guard my own time.

Today was my 1st time at walas. N oh man! the band was good! According to dua tao the lead singer was a teacher from RJ teaching chemistry. Oh gosh. He's like how awesome n cool! His rendition of superman jus blows my mind. haha n his band's debut album song was great too. Haha if only he's my chem teacher! i probably would stay back for more consultations and make sure i top the class for chem man. LOL joking =P. So yupz i have a good tiime tonight i guess.

I am really slowly walking out of emo life. Slowly lah.

My Rock and Redeemer

You're my rock and my redeemer,
Rock on which i stand.
I keep falling in love with u Lord.
Every beat of my heart, Breathe that i take
Through the season that change,
Your love remains,
My hiding place, My home.

Thanks be to my Saviour and Lord. May all praises be unto Him who had blessed me so much.

I am just so thankful for all my friends who had been doing all they can all these while to help me to stand again. For my parents who are so supportive. Even my mom had changed her attitude towards all these and become supportive too. To my really ever so helpful sir. The sweetest and most caring leader that i could possibly had met at this phase of my life. Thanks so much everyone who had shared my pain all these while.

Looking back now, it's really by His grace that i had walked thus far in this journey. One of my darkest moment in life. He had truly tide me through this.

From my period of dispair when i first got back my results, to the period of great anxiety during my application to the period of sorrow and disappointment as the rejects came in, to grieving cause i have grieved my parents (breaking down by myself during camp cos i was simply so worried about my dad), to gathering my fighting spirit once again to do whatever i can to appeal to fight for another chance, to gathering all my thoughts finally and making a guided and rationale decision among all my alternatives. Thank you so much my loving Father for helping me through. Indeed I have grown.

And thanks be to Him too who had spoke to my heart. Who had awaken me from my unrealistic dreams and stubborness about going abroad. I am clear now. I do not want to see the picture that i saw happening. Nope i don't want daddy to dig into his cpf, to sell our condo, to move into a tiny hdb, to not have osim and ogawa chairs, to give up nice tv sets, to give up flying for short breaks, to give up raffles class, to give up comfy living, to be alone rubbing his poor feet with ointment in his tiny roon in tiny hdb. Not at this expense. Praise God for waking me up. If it's meant to be then let it be. If not, let's not force things out.

May I have the strength to walk on and do Your will. Regardless of the outcome may I rejoice in Your will, for You grace is sufficient.

Though the future is an uphill task,
My spirit is uplifted.
For Lord you are my source of strength
My refuge, My shield.

Armoured with Your grace,
Blessed i am to fight on to do what is in Your will.
All I want is You
My Rock and Redeemer.

Group Camp

Returned from group camp on Monday. Was really quite drained of energy and had been resting and bumming around till now where i finally mustered the energy and discipline to update my lil blog.

Well i went to group camp feeling worse than being a piece of shit and totally against my own free will but only due to responsibility and obligation. But well i am glad i still made it through the camp. Though i am burnt out still and not really happy all the time, but at least emo-ness is kept at bay. I was kept all busy that there was not much time for my thoughts to wonder off to anything tragic that will trigger off the floodgate.

Friday:
My camp started off with the ventures at ubin. Their Lost in Nibu Island play went quite smoothly and according to plan except for the part of the nibites and checkpoint games in the afternoon which got hijacked by ogre wong. Quite sad foor my juniors too, though i understand david's rationale, but still i am against his stubborness and being all assertive abt his own ideas. Changing people's plan to suit what he thinks without sparing a thought for how others feel when their effort is gone to waste just like that. Argh frustrated. But other than that I am really proud of my juniors. They managed the show well, and they do acted like seniors to their incoming juniors. very well done on the whole though there are slip-ups but it's great improvement.

Well basically, ubin didn't turn out as bad as i had imagined. Wasn't commanded around like a maria. Good thing. I was really left alone to help my juniors out. Quite stress-free and carefree lah. It wasn't too strenuous too since I didnt have to take part in the checkpoint games and night fast march n solo walk. I was the checkpoint masters same as the other rover seniors. Good. Phew.

My NUS letter of rejection came finally on that night though. Felt like i just sank right to the bottom of a dark and endless pit. But well was really glad that my dad is so supportive and yepz was really happy with the idea of leaving camp at day break to get ready to go to the IDP fair. Really grateful to have such a sweet leader like VL who granted me the off day frm camp.

Sat:
I am really grateful for this day break. Thank goodness. Left ubin with 3 others 1st thing in the morning. Really not in the mood for anything. So i am just relieved that i can escape camp though only for a short short while.

IDP fair was quite ok, collected some brochures which are quite informative and check out the bank loan offer as well. But sadly, after daddy reviews them, it's still not gonna work out. Really thanks alot to dua tao for his company at the fair. At least i wasnt so lost. I bumped into Emmeline at the fair too. She's also in the same plight as me and looking at UWA psychology too! how coincidental. Caught up with her and Praise God, I felt so much more strengthened and edify after talking to her. Thanks babe! Her optimism and faith in God is so contagious!

Back at campsite in the evening, and sigh i was overwhelmed by all those lil brats runing around the campsite. Really feel like slaughtering them all. Especially since i am so no mood for everything.

Night cycling was hell. haha quite fun but very very very gruelling cos i am a LOUSY cyclist. Didn't really enjoy it alot. But the games session was quite fun. But well haha guess i am just not in the mood for everything.

Sun:
Amazing race day. Checkpoint games around the island of Singapore. Gosh i really almost murdered the boys. They are so hard to handle!! I like the quiet and semi blur ones though. The soft spoken kind of boys. So MUCH easier to treat them well as compared to those brats who would listen only when you scream at them.

Campfire was ok. Supposed to help my juniors go through and prepare for their colours ceremony for next morning once they are done tying the flag pole but wei shan and I were so shagged we ended up drifting to the far away land of La La Land. LOL

Mon:
Colours went REALLY well. Gosh my juniors are talented. Shaun is natural with piping! And alfred was great. He commanded everyone's attention well. And he really can COMMAND. As he helped out with the breaking of campsite, he was so effective in getting all the people to listen especially the small boys. Small boys are so dumb i realise, they don't respect girls at all and they only respect the bigger boys like literally bigger boys. Size n volume matters to them. so dumb

So yeah above is just a brief summary of group camp. Think this one pales in comparison to the past 2 group camps that i had gone to. Desaru last year was the best. This year seem like just another camp to me. Not much significance. And well guess mayb just no mood ba.