changes

just some thoughts and feelings. quite heavy stuff but won't consider it as emo.

Have you ever wondered what people around you see u as? How do they rate or label you as? No matter how much we deny that we label our friends, that we see all as equal, is it really so? who are we tryin to deceive? it's just human nature to judge people and give people labels, if not explicitly done, subconsciously at least. And the way we label others will show in our actions.

Everyone changes. The way we think changes too. Lately, this feeling keeps creeping up to me that people do label me as inferior or more dumb than them? by the fact that i am not in the main stream education system just like them. or perhaps i am the one feeling inferior. But every move, that faint smile, that 'oh.. oh, ...', that gaze, perhaps i read too much. But it cant be helped. people r just liddat. in fact we seem to marginalise ourselves even more than society does. we are so much harsher on ourselves than the world is. of cos the world is cruel and ugly but i guess we're even more unforgiving of ourselves.

like how the residents in this particular estate in hong kong respond to their label of being poor. these residents, not only live far from the rich urban dwellers, they also isolate themselves in their own apartments and avoid interaction among themselves cos they feel so marginalised and ashame. end result? social alienation and lack of integration. and this leads to? a mother dumping her kids out of the window and jumping after as well.

But i don't really see others as smart? like really. i think some peeps in unis r just pure idiots. but why? why do i get the vibes that i am suffering from some self esteem problem? and is it true? my vibes that my peers are changing and have perhaps subconsciously re-labelled me as well? putting my abilities at a lower level now than before. because, they have been through more now? because they're the main stream people, tortured by a rigourous academic demand and therefore i cant relate to their 'sufferings'? and i am now reduced to an idealistic ignorant girl? and i am truly blessed to have escape all the shit? it feels really condescending. then again perhaps i read too much. i rather it so. cos if not it will hurt i think.

A friend felt that we drifted. But i think i feel ever more lonely at times than the rest? Whenever i get the vibes that people are acting in a condescending manner, i feel alienated from my social circle. Have they changed? or perhaps its just me turning more pessimistic? and there are times whereby i just don't feel like doing anything about it? i get the feel that everyone is happily in their own world. so what's the point in wanting to catch up and all if you guys are happy with being in your own world? I want to meet up for the sake of catching up and not meeting for the sake of meeting. Just to have that old familiar feeling of me by your side? no...i don't appreciate that. what's the point of a gathering if there people keep jumping into private topics that others not in your new mainstream system or your new social circle can relate to? Sometimes, i feel like i am indeed left behind by friends. therefore, talk about loneliness, i think i can say that i feel much more of it.

And i really don't feel like doing anything about it. somehow it is like this big parcel that God had given to me. All these negativity is part of this big parcel of challenge presented to me. This gift that i have no choice but to receive. But of cos God knows what He is doing. Have you wonder if God could perhaps love you less? haha it's such a big present to receive. i have no confidence that i can fully savour the wonders of this gift. That's why i love evans almighty. this scene where evans question God if He could just love Him less, perhaps he will be free of the troubles he is given. haha.

time flies really. it's already dec. As 2008 approaches, i am excited and also afraid at the same time. excited cos i hope for a better turn of events, afraid cos i really fear having to feel rejection all over again. And so i end up day dreaming some time if only time could just stop.

okie, enuf of rant. and please don't misunderstand. all these are random thoughts i have since some time ago. never got to pen them down. don't how to piece them together as well. till just now in the shower. so yeah. it's not like i moan and groan all day long. perhaps only my emo friend can get what i mean. haha! we feel the exact same thing aye! ^5