wandering

two years of wandering and still not seeing my dream any where near taking off. still the same case. always the bits n pieces of clues to the map that can take me there. another piece of possibility presented to me again. but after so long, I have become more cynical and less excited. and its quite sad as well to know that in the eyes of others, i have left the "beep* community for a long while. Yes it was a long hiatus, but *beep* doesn't restrict to the times where u dorn that *beep* and do *beep* activities. More impt is the unofficial times of daily life. The times where u struggle to find your path, where u engage in ur own learnings etc. I have been trying and struggling all these times. N its sad to return without much gains n it seem a total waste of time to others. even to deem what i have done to be of lil value. i have gone off to explore when i felt that *beep* is not gonna bring me anymore and its time for me to bring somethg back w my exploration. but perhaps i'm still too green for flight n so it was just aimless wanderings. always at the periphery but never the crux. Never achieving successfully in any aspects of what i have been trying to do. always at the annoying phase of trying. its so understandable if people see it as a waste of time. N find it all just a lofty dream of mine. seeing wat explorations i had as of lil value, a waste of time and money and perhaps a more apt description would be my frivilous escapade. seeing my inadequacy, inapt, loftiness, ignorance, impracticality etc. Do u feel my angst and disappointment and even sadness? I am upset. Upset that I am a no where near. Someone who brought back nothing much, but seemingly returning once again to ride on the winds and make use of resources. Eating from the hand whom i have walked away at first. Maybe no one really feels so, but I do n it suck. 2 years... i seemed to have collected some experiences and yet at the same time seemed to be nothing. still is and seen as a green me but with an added arrogance.

cast me aside and just ignore me for i know no better.