Battling zulu monster N RAMBLINGS

2/10/07
To save space. I have decided to blog this together with my last post. Since the next post will be my 100th post! And it should be happy and this is certainly not a happy one. So save space, saving the best spot for the better entry.

Anyway this is my grumpy lil rambling don't bother wasting time reading.

I think i am learning the ridiculous ways of the society. Working with people is tough shit. It is really tough. People just don't see your point. or perhaps i am just lousy with words or i just give in easily but if i don't? People will just say i'm adament about things. It's hard man. Such a dilemma. Sometimes what you feel is the best idea just won't be given its chance. We're bureaucractic man. Indeed like my notes say bureacracy is everywhere just to what extent. People are just so fixated with old ways and refuse to embrace new ideas. People are just so stuck and narrow minded with their objectives. Why can't you fulfill more than one at a shot? why waste time and money? Not as if we have all e time and money in the world? What's the best for our target group? I really don't know man. But since everyone insist. there u go u can have it. But i wash my hand out of the outcome man. If we can convince and hard sell within a short short time then congrats to us. miracle. or maybe we can get the figures but it certainly would not be my ideal situation because i'm most sure the clearer picture is not delivered. Just a fuzzy lil shadow perhaps. oh whatever. and the weirdest part which i jus realised. What the HELL am i doing man?? I am filling up a role and executing its duties but not from my own free will but more like a dummy doing what i am directed to do? oh man.. again how true my management notes are... the middle managers. The dummy that gets directed... to set goals for the foreman as directed by the superiors, higher management. What the shit.

i say, 'self, where are you?'. Self you have been gone for a really long while... since the beginning of darkness man. And now i cant even understand myself. my obsession with time lost... my time my every second which i desire to save for mugging. N i question myself again.. why mug so hard?? Am i mugging to fulfil my silly dream? Then i realise perhaps the dream is there to comfort myself. It always feel better to have this dream... to have this goal to work towards. But it's all but empty.

Self! where are you?? Am i just a cavity?? The more i mug the greater the sense of fufillment i have, the more i feel secure that i am on track to my goal and yet at the same time i feel more empty and agonised as i got reminded of stuff i don't wish to remember. Yet I am constantly being reminded everyday by people. why? how i wish i could just stay at home.

Self! what had become of you? where's my self-esteem? As i strive to move on, i end up being a cavity, desensitised and forgetting that i am a human.

Self! why do you inflict yourself with so much pain? why do u care so much? why do you feel frustrated or grumpy? why do u envy? why do you hope for others to comfort you? it'll never happen. no one can fill that void self.

God, you are my only only source of solace.

'those who sow in tears shall reap in songs of joy' (Psalm 126:5)


1/10/07
Clarification: The zulu monster refers to a state of Zzzzz...

I think i have figured out why i am so tired and sleepy these days. In fact i am lying in bed as i type this. gosh. haha

I'm tired cos my lil brain is cluttered with:
1) my to do list : for this week, i have to mug for my maths test on thurs ( i am so gonna get zero man since i hv been sleeping like every thurs morning :S), read up on my soci in order to comprehend my lect on wed since last wk's one was a disaster n i caught no balls, do my econs assignment without tearing my hair out or crack my head from over thinking, and revise my IBM which i hadnt been doing for some time. so behind in my learning
2) worries about my future. lil gal have big dreams.. but so worried that dreams may not come true... cos my dreams need to go slimming centre.

oh my... i have turned lame too. now for Zzz....