Changes

Looking back at this half a year, everything seemed to be packed tight into this small little time frame. All the different experiences and most of all difficulties that had given me so much thoughts and emotions that i had never pondered about and felt before. Everything in its great diversity all packed into one super combo pack.

As school is about to start and my slightly more than half a year break from the education system (rigid and routine life of a student) is quietly coming to an end, all the memories of this past half a year just came flooding through my mind. There simply so much laughters and even more tears. But thankfully, no matter how unpleasant things get I have got through it all and emerge better. Praise Lord.

Undoubtedly, going through difficulties in life makes people grow to be more mature and understanding. For this I praise Him for blessing me with trials.

My little experience of working life in an office is indeed an eye opening experience and expose me to the uglier side of things. Unpleasant and repulsive it may be, it is a fact that we live in an ugly world. And in face of all these nonsense, I guess it had honed me up a little and gear up to face the harsher stuff in the future. It is quite sad, that my mind had no doubt gotten trained to be more aware of ploys and be more alert and ready to defend myself turning me into a pretty much scheming person. However, I guess we should see things on a bright side too. Knowing exactly how ugly people can get, we can be more prepared to stand firm by our values and as we stand firm we may even change others through our positive influences. So things aren't that bad afterall.

Working hard to no avail and praying and hoping for my greatest desire in vain is probably one of the worse thing that had happened to me in this half a year, but I had also taken back many valuable lessons that could probably bring me even further. Through all this, I have come to realise God's sovereignty. If God didn't meant it to be, in vain would the workers labour. So it is really not my effort but through His Grace. And when everything seems to just go wrong and He seem to be so far away, I came to realise that He is actually always a prayer away. He gave me friends who helped me to stand. It is in such situation that we truly learn how to trust Him. I have no other way except to trust Him. Helpless and down, I can only stand firm by putting my faith in Him and His sovereignty. Indeed, this half a year had saw a big spiritual growth spurt in me. Because i have learnt to trust Him more and more.

Realising how small and helpless I am, how futile my efforts could be, had also caused me to mellow and to be more understanding. In the past, I was usually very sure of my ideas and thoughts, quite domineering, and defensive of my own ideas. I believe in fighting for my own ideas. A senior of mine once told me you don't have to fight for your own ideas even if they are good. It didnt make sense before but now it does. I guess having mellowed, I am even more open to ideas of others now and less fervent with my own. Indeed no matter how good the idea appeals to you, it may not be to the rest.

Just the other day, i actually caught myself telling someone that if the teacher can't make it, we as the student should try to squeeze every bit out of her. This is so ironical. In the past when my senior first said this to me, it was totally beyond my comprehension but now it does. We can't get the best situation in life all the time but that doesn't mean we should lament but instead we should think of how to make the best out of it.

Another thing that i have learnt and am still striving is that it really doesn't matter how people judge you. You may be the biggest fool on earth, but remember God is our ony benchmark and with this so long as we don't see ourselves as fools no one can ever put us down. As family members and all the kpo figures in ur life come haunting u and ur parents about your latest update in life, it is quite hard not to feel pressured and mocked. My mom had chosen to run away to hide while my dad decided to go all out and paint a even nastier picture. I was instantaneously turned into a havoc girl who don't like school and have decided to go out and work as a kayaking instructor instead of going to university. I am havoc beyond cure with lots of flings and i party like no one's business. HAHA. Even i laughed. But it does pain my heart that my parents' ego and pride are indeed very hurt. Well, I guess we really have to move beyond the hurt that we feel. When others put us down, all the more should we be strong and continue to believe in ourselves, in Him. We are all made in His likeness. So no one is a loser, no one is a total idiot, and no one is actually that detestable. We all have our strengths.

I guess i am quite happy with my change thus far. Growing up is inevitable. As much we desire to continue with our carefree days as a innocent kid shielded from all the ugliness of the world, we can not have it so. And growth is not necessarily bad. Understanding more and seeing things more, make us appreciate the beautiful side of life more. All the pretty little things that we would have overlooked and fail to cherish when we are still the old shielded kid. If i hadn't gone through all this, I would never have realised how much i had valued a good education and how my dad had always been trying to help me to achieve what i want. How much he had cared for me. And my mom, i guess she express things in a different manner. But the fact that her disappointment is so great showed how much she had expected out of me. And i guess it is good to have people expecting certain standards from you. The day that people don't actually expect anything from you, would be time for you to do some self reflection haha.

And of course looking ahead i know that things may just get tougher, but well I am no longer the small kid and I guess I can handle it with His help.