emo post

Been a long time since i posted a emo post. HAHA. so time for one. ok lah not like emo emo, but yes sobering perhaps and self-reflective.

Am i such a bad time manager? It seems like all my life i have been grappling with many things at one shot. Since primary school, i've already been a clown juggling away with many things. So by now, i should have gotten a PHD in juggling. But why is it so tough now? Or i have simply piled too much stuff on my plate?

Got a dressing down from my cell leader on my leadership role in cell. Ahh dear Lord, please save me. I really wanna give up. Herding sheeps is really just sooo tough and tiring. It's not like i don't know as well.I don't want to be like that as well but i'm really just breaking down. I have to be a role model for others all the time. but even leaders grow weary. Spiritual leaders are really sooo hard to be. That's why spiritual leaders simply have to lean on GOd for strength.

There are things that it seems i have to give up. but i don't want to. They meant so much to me. AHhh... i really hate to have to give up everytime. and its always sooo heart wrenching.

And i am so confused now too. You have shown me a really big plan. A promising future i have in You. Yet, everything doesn't seem right and the doors are closed once n again. Why? But even as i look back n ponder again, i was once again affirmed that i didnt get the message wrong. Because You have shown it to me soooo clearly.

So what are my priorities? Why am i in NUS now?
I am in NUS now n only now not last yr, bcos it is now the time. I am ready for all the learnings and i know the purpose of it all. It's the preparation work for the future. And it is the future that requires me to have the heart for the poor and less priviledged. You have given me these burdens in my heart, stirred me and moved me. I will pursue it from here on now.

My mistake would be to take up anything that comes my way and thinking that these would help me in my direction towards this goal. There are some of these that i am pretty certain i have to take up. These that i can't give up.

Ahhh, but i am really questioning my decision to take up works head. Perhaps it's really the wrong time. I feel so worked out n strained. And the other stuff on my plate that i felt prompted to take up clammers for my attention as well. N i have to do well in school too. This place in NUS didn't come easy and i don't think i have placed here to flunk my papers. And working for God should be something enjoyable. Why am i so tired and burnt out instead? It should not be a case of giving up a huge part of me as well just to serve Him. Lord please show me how to serve in joy again.

And i think i got the answer. To do just what He has called me to do. You can't serve in too many areas. It just has to be that one thing that He wants me to do.