deeep deep inside

how shall i start? haha kinda emo-ed a tad bit last night. thinking and searching...

i think i really detest living in this secular world? alot of conflicting ideas...yet we are to stand firm. No wonder they say on my baptism to fight valiantly the battle of faith. it takes courage and determination indeed to be able to stand firm in faith, when the world seem to just spin in the exact opposite direction as your beliefs. makes me wanna run away. run and hide. makes me feel like being a nun.

there's this thg i see in all high achievers. this very raffles trademark feel. they all exudes this air.. this thg abtt em. they seem to share this common trait i see. some mental capacity and attitude. this absolute belief in themselves and their ability. this feel that as long as u strive u will get. this no holding back, no reservation attitude, to go ALL out for what they dream. No fears or doubts at all.

I always envy people whom i find beholding such trait. This trait that i seem to lack. It always make me feel so inferior. And i don't like this sense of inferiority and insecurity. I hope to have this. yet somehow a voice inside me warn me against it too. It seems so good and bad at the same time.

I envy this trait yet at the same time disagree with it and even detest ppl w it. nnot out of jealousy abut cos somehow there seem to be something morally wrong about it.

so wat's wrong w being determine, to have self confidence and belief in your own ability? and to achieve everything through sheer grit, what's wrong w that?

i cant pin point exactly also. it seems like a very self centered idea. very individualistic. and i don't believe either in sheer grit. nothing can be achieved unless God grant it to me. sheer grit brings me no way. tested and proven. and hate it when ppl believe that sheer grit will bring them to where they want. and time again it did happen that way for them. sheer grit n u get it. And God just disappear from the picture so easily. But it's not true and not meant to be so.

and i cant help feeling like a loser. always falling short of that bar. lacking that sheer grit. the thing i want n yet fear as well. cant express my thoughts. it's like being robbed of a voice. just cant articulate. And no one to share with either. cos i cant even express it. muted, everyone else seem to disappear.

I really don't like it when people say, when you're down you've got frenz. true and not true. in my experience, it doesnt make much of a difference. i cant tell anyone of wat i feel. neither can anyone truly comprehend u. and worse when people just dont share the same idea and faith as you. it makes u feel so muted that you just wanna retreat further. so everyone really, frenz or no frenz wat's e difference? ok lah perhaps you can have people to drown in your sorrow? yeah.

friends can only help u w the physical part. by physically being there for u. but for the emotional department? everyone is alone. and we have to deal with it alone. No one can help us. Except Him. Our soul mate. The One who truly loves and understands us.

it's always times like these, problems like this, issue that strikes so deep in your heart that brings you to your knees. so deep you cant even articulate. yet He's just a prayer away.

friends can try to give u advice, cheer u up. But sometimes, you just wanna hear some really solid and good advice and words. not of secular reasoning. because our reasoning r just so bad and insufficient. I want a Godly friend who truly understands me, who can share my woes, shed some light. And i realise, there won't be any of the people who can make it. Because there can onli be Him. my benchmark. my prince.

I realise i do have a Godly friend. a Prince. that's just God himself. Jesus, my Prince.

the world is just so self centered. self oriented. don't like the strive n with sheer grit u can reach there all by yourself mentality. e high achiever mantra. hate it that i felt like a loser most of e time. hate it that i am so insecure at times due to worldy views penetrating my mind.

i wanna guard my heart more now. to know my Prince more. love the book that Liz gave me. 'Strengthening yourself in the Lord'. How useful and of pertinence. Very very edifying book. very helpful.

sounds like i wanna be a nun? actually i dun see it being any bad too. used to think how awfully lonely it would be. But so not true. To share their love and God's love with the mass, the people. How great that is. And besides, as girls, we're all married to our Prince anyway.

Jesus, to quote my lecturer's words " my love my life my organs". haha.

Don't worry, i say say only. Don't think i am prepared and qualified to be a nun. haha. with my current screwed up life style, i can forget the idea. haha